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This may seem like an unusual confession from a therapist, but most of my regular clients already know this about me: I have an anxiety disorder.
I have struggled with anxiety really as far back as elementary school. It started in the way a lot of kids experience: upset stomach. I remember having a sense of intense panic over a crush when I was in 5th grade. (I think his name was Kevin? Sorry, Kevin. It really was me…not you, buddy.) And at many points thereafter, I can look back and see the presence of anxiety in my life.
Sometimes it’s taken a backseat, and honestly for periods of time, it was essentially bound and gagged in the trunk. But at certain points, if I’m being honest, it has been in the driver’s seat.
These days, the pattern is typically that I’ll have a brief period of increased anxiety (a week or so?) a few times a year, and then most of the year it does not play too loud of a role. This balance has come after a lot of work, trial and error, personal interventions, and attending my own therapy.
I have written before how I was a “late bloomer” when it came to emotions, and yes, there is a direct correlation between these two facts about me.
To me, this “sometimes but not always” place is really reasonable, though it took me a long time to get here. For a while, I thought overcoming anxiety completely was both possible and required (good Christians don’t worry, right?). But for most of us, while it never fully goes away, it doesn’t have to be the main focus of life either. It’s part of me but it is not the central truth of who I am.
To put it another way, I have arrived at a place of co-existence with this unwanted passenger. We learned to live in peace together.
Even when I’m not in a phase of increased anxiety, my brain is happy to serve up thoughts that could lead to anxiety. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to listen for those thoughts and take a corresponding action or “punch back” with another more honest and fair thought, to take the teeth out of its bite, so to say.
Here are a few of the ones that work for me.
If/Thens
One of the “greatest hits” lies that my brain apparently loves to serve up is “the worst is going to happen,” (aka catastrophizing or what ifs). This can be anything from total financial collapse (of my household or the whole world…both are fair options for anxiety to serve up), nuclear war, brain cancer, elbow cancer, or everyone I love is going to leave me.
These types of thoughts are actually pretty easy to spot and refute. And so as soon as I recognize my brain has served up a nice juicy catastrophe thought for me, I get to work either running through the likely actual outcomes or the “if/thens.”
Example: If there’s a nuclear war, they’re not coming for the City of Central. If it gets to Central, there will in fact be nothing to worry about, as we will all die and nobody will be left on earth. (Hey, I didn’t say it was a happy pleasant thought, it’s just a more fair and balanced thought.)
Two-Tier System
One lie that anxiety tells me is “it’s all or nothing.” If I can’t get things exactly like I want, then what’s the point? This one tends to lead to some paralysis; where great is the enemy of good enough. My intervention for this one is to approach the thing with two tiers of goals. The first tier is the ideal tier. Getting it “just right.” Being awesome at whatever it is. Really nailing it.
The second tier is the “good enough” tier. I don’t always have bandwidth to really knock a task out of the park. But I can normally just get it done. And often this is the doorway through which I can get unstuck. Not everything has to be perfect. Sometimes done is sufficient.
Example: When I was struggling with post-partum anxiety (which now people refer to by the acronym PPA but when I was experiencing it, my husband just referred to it as “that time you were broken.” Ha. Thanks.), I had the first tier goal of showing up awesome. Being very emotionally engaged. Making a lot of facial expressions. Maintaining a ton of eye contact. Having awesome feeding sessions. Quieting and comforting him effectively and quickly. (All while liking doing this.)
Believe it or not, I did not have the capacity to show up in that way every day, all day. But! If he was fed, held, changed, loved, and appropriately attended to, that was sufficient. That’s the second-tier goal.
Some days with a newborn, that was as much as I could muster. I was terrified that he was going to die. I had a hard time coming to grips with being needed that much and such an abrupt shift in my identity. I was sure I was going to mess him up somehow. Scar him for life by not doing something right.
But if I could hit my second-tier goal, I knew that other people could fill in what I left lacking on those days. I always knew my best days of parenting would come when he was verbal. And that has proven to be the case.
Was it my greatest season? Absolutely not. Is my son still awesome? Yes! And he’s confident and hilarious enough to tell you all about it. Trust me on this!
This two-tier system has saved me from a lot of shame and getting stuck in the face of anxiety and paralysis when I was unable to operate at my best. I have found an immense amount of grace and freedom in my two-tier system.
Even Though/I’m Still
This next intervention is one I have personally been using a lot lately. If you’ve been in my counseling office the past few weeks, this will probably be familiar to you. As stated above, I proudly wear the badge of being an emotional late bloomer. (Because being late truly is better than never.)
As someone who wants to make space for my emotional responses to things, while not giving them the keys to the car, I want to acknowledge my emotions, not minimize or dismiss them. In doing so, I can work with them and not against them.
I believe in the saying, “emotions are like toddlers. You don’t want them driving the car but you can’t throw them in the trunk either.” They belong in a 5 point harness in the back seat, probably rear facing, depending on age and height!
So what I find helpful instead of my old go-to of minimizing or dismissing or even flat-out denying my emotions is to ground into that reality but pair it with a bigger truth. This often involves the phrase, “even though, I’m still.”
Examples:
- Even though my mom is not happy with my choice, I’m still an ok person and I’m free to choose what I think is best.
- Even though I messed that conversation up, I’m still deserving of grace and forgiveness.
- Even though I didn’t do the right thing as they define it, I’m still a good person.
In acknowledging what wasn’t ideal, I can ground my nervous system in a larger reality that is bigger than any one instance.
These aren’t magic. They’re not going to dissolve the anxiety. But they are the difference between being swallowed by it and staying on your feet while it’s present. If any of these resonate, they’re yours. Try one. See what happens.
Total Percentage
There’s not one thing that is going to be the magic bullet to my anxiety. (This isn’t even my complete list of interventions! It’s just what’s working the best for me right now.) Having a grab bag of resources I can pull from to use when needed gets my total level of anxiety down to a really manageable place.
Everyone has to find that point where the balance is right for themselves. Until you can regularly be within your own window of what you can tolerate about your anxiety, you need to keep stacking interventions.
For me, it’s rarely at 0%. But it’s also rare that it’s over 60%. And on an average day, it’s probably around 15-20%. I don’t think I would be a healthy or safe person if I was at 0%. Some anxiety helps me execute at my job, stay on track with my goals, and make sure everybody’s buckled up.
It houses my grit in the face of adversity because I can continue forward even in the presence of obstacles. And I’ve even been told that a wee bit of neuroticism is actually kind of cute on me. It makes me quick witted and funny.
There are pros to anxiety as well, and for me, finding the sweet spot where it helps me stay on track but does not overwhelm me has been really helpful. Life is not meant to be worry-free. No one has that life.
And honestly? I’m not sure I’d want it. A little anxiety means something matters. It means you’re paying attention. It means you’re in the game.
If you’re in it too, welcome. It’s a bigger club than most people admit.
I still have an anxiety disorder. That part hasn’t changed. What’s changed is that I’m no longer surprised by it, no longer ashamed of it, and no longer trying to evict it from the car entirely. We have an arrangement. Most days, it stays in its assigned seat.
The tools I’ve described are mine. Yours might look completely different, and that’s exactly how it should be. The grab bag is personal. But the concept of building one? That’s for all of us.
If you’ve been managing anxiety quietly and you’re tired of doing it alone, that’s what I’m here for. Reach out here to schedule a session.
