I remember the moment I realized falling away from Jesus was possible—even for someone madly in love with Him.
I was meeting with my small group as a newly born-again follower of Christ. Much wiser, spiritually mature women surrounded me. Each, in turn, shared their version of falling away from their once totally-in-love-completely-connected-all-encompassing-need for Jesus. Ok, my words, not theirs.
Wait, what? I can fall away. I just got here. How can that even happen? These were my rapid cycling thoughts.
I have to say, I was not having it. I will be different, I thought. It took me 36 years to finally relinquish my will to a Savior. The Savior. I am not going back. I declared this boldly and out loud. Instead of being offended, they just nodded and said they each made the same proclamation once upon a time.
A Painful Path That Led to Transformation
It is the craziest pattern. We may not all get to Christ the same way. I personally had to go the rock-bottom path.
When my way finally led to suffering with no hope of relief, I imagined the Lord saying, ‘Now, will you try My way?’. Thankfully, His way led to total transformation—everything from:
The Transformations God Made in My Life
- How to stop worrying about my all-consuming job.
- How to help my daughter through the painful process of full hair loss, diagnosis of Alopecia, and the acceptance of no cure.
- How to completely give up the corporate business world to focus on what I said I valued most in life.
- How to set up a life that was under Christ’s Lordship and follow His calling for me.
Part of the reasoning behind setting up a life that was in full obedience to Christ’s will was specifically to help ensure I never fall away from Him. I put my faith first, and the priorities I always espoused became the priorities I lived by.
Fast Forward 20 Years: Living My Calling
I surrounded myself with my faith:
- I quit the corporate world and went back to school to earn a master’s in counseling.
- I went on staff at my church and established a Christian counseling ministry as I worked towards licensure.
- Once licensed, I opened a Christian counseling practice and expanded it to faith-based business coaching too.
- My children were now raised in the we-go-to-church-whenever-the-doors-are-open mindset out of love of Christ, not obligation. And they all follow and love the Lord.
- I have been an Elder in our church and participated in countless small groups.
Subtle Drift: When the Fire Cools
What else can I do to keep my eyes and heart on Jesus? I never cognitively want to pull away.
But then, one day I wake up thinking about work, how tired I am, or some other selfish thought. My usual “Good morning, Jesus, what do you have planned for me today?” dissipated. Suddenly, when a problem hits, I am trying to solve it in my own strength, not immediately going to my “Help, Lord” praying without ceasing.
It was a subtle departure. Some would say they don’t even see an external shift or change. And that may be true to the naked eye. But I know I feel it in my heart.
The loneliness seeps back in when things aren’t going right in my world. My personal coping mechanisms begin being employed regularly, and honestly, I just miss that overwhelming, emotional, being-in-love feeling.
Lent: A Time to Admit the Drift
This Lenten season I am admitting the drift has occurred. I know Jesus didn’t drift. I don’t want to grow further apart from Christ, and truth be told, I don’t really want another “hit rock bottom” season to bring me back.
Renewing the Covenant: A Proactive Act of Love
I don’t remember the exact date, but about 15 years ago, my husband and I renewed our marriage vows. We were originally married by a rabbi. We wanted a covenant under Christ. It was a no-brainer to proactively put our marriage under Christ’s Lordship. It was a joyful event, and I feel it brought our marriage to a new intimacy.
This is what I want for my relationship with Christ. I want to proactively renew my vows to Him as my Savior. To love Him and enjoy Him forever, as declared in the Westminster Catechism. To be His and only His. He already made the covenant with each of us when He died on the cross for us. We just have to accept Him.
I proactively covenanted with my husband again—because I love Him and want to keep our connection strong. How much more should I strive for my relationship with Christ? How can I disregard His faithfulness, love, and protection when He found me and made me His?
Recognizing the Drift Without Shame
It frustrates me I could be swayed by the world to lose focus, if only partially.
[Do you hear my hedge? I don’t want you to think I quit following Jesus. Or that I have departed from my faith. It’s just a drift. Disclaimer noted!]
How Do I Get That First-Love Feeling Back?
I’m not positive, but here is what I am focusing on:
Practices to Reignite My Love for Jesus
- Intentionally staying connected by employing the spiritual disciplines I know and love. For me they are: Journaling/praying to God every morning, reading scripture to know Him better and learn His will for us, worshiping Him and being in community at our church, and serving others.
- Looking to Him when trouble arises. Reminding myself that when I feel anxiety, I am probably trying to fix things in my own strength.
- Inundating myself with truth and light: Worship music, Christian writing, faith-based movies, and avoiding some of the more worldly, secular media. (Yes, a nice holy bubble can be good on occasion.)
- Leaning into community through the small group I just started—being back in community with other Christian women, talking about God, the Bible, and our journey.
- Following His guidance—whether that is my biblical knowledge of His ways, or the nudging of the Holy Spirit.
- Listening for Him. I am fortunate, in my mind, to feel His presence and hear Him when in relationship with Him. I just sometimes need to sit still and let my mind stay focused on Him.
Not Just Going Through the Motions
I can easily go through the motions of keeping my world in Christ. I am a Christian counselor and business coach. I go to church weekly. I pray with clients. I journal to God. We can always check the box and keep doing things.
But I have to lean into the relationship I have with Jesus. I have to do my part to focus on every touch point, giving my full heart and attention. I want a living, breathing relationship with Christ. I don’t want a cookie-cutter, rote experience. To me, in all relationships, to have that kind of experience requires both people to lean in.
Jesus promises to always be there. He does His part 100%. I have to do mine.
Are You Doing Your Part?
Are you doing yours? Do you 100% lean into your relationship with God? Are you putting as much love and effort into it as you want and expect to receive?
How can I disregard His faithfulness, love, and protection—when He found me and made me His?
Let that truth hit you anew.
As We Approach Easter: A Call to Revival
As we approach Easter and meditate on His love and sacrifice for us, let’s be a part of a revival. A revival of our love for our Savior.
