I tossed and turned for about an hour and decided to get up. I’m not interested in living a 3 a.m. song by Matchbox Twenty. Why do I wake up between 3 and 4 every morning, and where did this new pattern of not falling back to sleep emerge from?
Should I get up and make a list? Is it anxiety over forgetting something important I need to do? Sometimes.
More often, I am literally pulled to my journal. I want to write to you, God.
As I explain to you that it is 3:19 a.m., like you don’t already know, and begin my list of concerns, I shift, yes, sometimes mid-sentence, to us. Our relationship. I am pulled to you. More than a desire, a need. I need to talk about us. I am always amazed that you are there for me, even at 3:19 a.m. For that, I am so thankful that you don’t mind hearing my same worries over and over and over again.
This is boring stuff. You remind me that there is so much more—so much more that will matter for eternity rather than just another cycle around the sun.
God Chooses Us
Even after 24 years of knowing you, I am in awe that you found me and pulled me to you. How is this even possible? I was so caught up in myself and the world around me. It felt like all the good I had built in my life dissipated like fog over the water on a cool morning. I could still see it but was losing my grasp.
Little did I know that Jesus, you would literally walk through the fog with Your hand outstretched to me. You became my tangible. My lifeline. And as much as I am thankful for my salvation, as much as I need Your Word to guide me, and as grateful as I am for Your mercy and grace, it is feeling Your presence that gives me life.
Do You Feel God’s Presence?
A friend recently teared up, confessing he hadn’t felt Your presence in months. The thought of losing that connection is terrifying. What if I could no longer feel you?
It reminded me of a woman in my small group many years ago. She was smart, had a strong knowledge of the Bible, and attended church regularly. In our discussions, she always participated by providing definitions and meanings of Your Word.
I don’t remember if it was part of the study or just a question I randomly asked, but it created the “aha” moment.
Do you know God with your head or with your heart?
The look from my small group friend said it all. This was what had been missing. She said she knew You in her head and believed the Bible was true. She just didn’t feel the connection with You in a personal way.
Don’t get me wrong. There are many people in the world who are just more intellectual than I am and interested and competent at digging deeper into theology. And over time, I try, too. And many also feel you. Knowing you are real and true doesn’t remove our desire to feel you, too, Lord.
When you first pulled me to you, I was so naive and had never read the Bible. I felt you before I knew about you, and I knew Your love before I knew Your law. I felt Your outstretched hand that pulled me out of the shit show of my life before I understood what was happening or how it was possible.
You taught me about hope, trust, and true intimacy.
The part I automatically knew about you was your omnipotence. I knew that you knew everything. There was no point hiding my thoughts or feelings because you probably knew before I thought or felt anything.
I wondered if my friend had processed your all-knowing power and was like Adam and Eve, still hiding from you.
What is intimacy?
The theoretical definition of intimacy is a quality of a relationship in which the individuals must have reciprocal feelings of trust and emotional closeness toward each other and be able to openly communicate thoughts and feelings.
Finally, someone I could share all my thoughts and feelings with and be accepted and loved.
But in the definition, it is reciprocal. That can only happen if I can feel you. Suppose I hear back from you. And I have. It is how my faith was born.
But everyone begins relationships differently. How do people move to the heart if they start with logic, history, and facts?
If you could use me for one significant service to the world, Lord, it would be to help others feel
Your presence, love, and affection.
How To Find Intimacy With God?
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all here, though. Just as you have created billions upon billions of souls, you probably interact with each of us differently.
And although I first knew you from an emotional connection, not an academic one, there are definitely times when I feel more distant. I don’t feel you because I ignore the pull to come to you for our quiet time together. Or when I do, I just go through the motions.
Is it possible to let down the barriers consciously and begin an interactive relationship with the living God?
Focus on your Relationship with God
If you are wondering where to start, I can share some thoughts and suggestions that may help.
Facing Your Emotions
Face your emotions and feelings. When we are having a hard time in life, it hurts. We not only don’t want to share with others how deep and dark our thoughts are, but we also don’t even want to feel them. We may compartmentalize that feeling of betrayal because to allow it to meander from our head to our heart feels like a fatal wound.
However, intimacy is sharing all our thoughts and feelings with someone and being able to hear back their thoughts and feelings. The first step is breaking down your internal walls and feeling your emotions. If there is no muscle memory for this, try journaling.
Stream of conscious journaling every thought and emotion that enters your mind and flows through you. Writing our feelings will push the conception of a feeling into a full birth of emotion. This may not happen in the first journal session. A few thoughts may slip through the walls. However, consistently writing about things in your life and then reflecting on how you feel about them will soon break the dam.
Sharing with God Through Journaling
Share with God through your journal. For me, I journal to God. These are my most intimate conversations with Him. And yes, His response flows back often through my ink. I embarrassed myself yesterday, Lord, by……I hurt someone’s feelings with my stupid words, Lord….and so on and so on. And God reminds me of this verse:
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. (Proverbs 21:23)
Crap, Lord….calamity. You are right. Even if they didn’t tell me, that is probably what my words created.
And then I pray,
Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. (Psalm 141:3)
Okay, I use different words.
The point is that God is there, and because He is always who He is, I can count on His consistency in our interactions. His response is easily known once we know His nature.
Studying The Bible
Study His Word. Don’t just read the Bible to check it off the spiritual disciplines list. Read it to know Him. I love reading what others write because I learn a lot about them. The Bible is the inspired Word of God. We can learn about Him and about His response to us. There must be positive regard for true intimacy, and love is the ultimate form.
Whether humans are capable of unconditional love is debatable, but God is unconditional love.
So I can share with Him even the worst of me and trust that although He may not like it, He will still love me. This must be where the emotional connection begins. I am usually overwhelmed by the fact that He still loves me. The thankfulness and feelings of affection take over, and I feel Him almost tangibly with me. This feeling of acceptance from the King of the Universe is an avalanche of emotion. Tears flow. The walls come down.
This doesn’t happen if I am just checking off the box. That is how I know it is me who has barriers, not the Lord. If you’re honest with yourself, you know when you are just going through the motions.
Leaning Into the Relationship
Lean into your relationship with God. Like any relationship, growth requires time and consistent attention. God wants our undivided attention, just like the people in our lives. If we stay focused on our list of worries like “genie wishes” for Him to sort out, at some point, He feels we have missed the point.
And He just sits back and waits. This is when we feel distant from Him. But He is still there. He is always there. He is just waiting for us to put away all the things of this world and focus on the only essential thing – Him.
Yes, if you think He wants both quality and quantity of time, you are right. He gives us His all, so He wants our all. That is if you want to have the ultimate trusting and deep relationship with Him—true intimacy.
Expressing Gratitude
Express gratitude. In my relationships with other people, we mostly just do life together. Just the other day, I was with a client for 3 hours. We talked about business, met with some of his team, ate lunch, and talked about life and relationships. As we reached the end of available time, he told me how grateful he was for our friendship. It was meaningful to him to share everything and know I wouldn’t judge him. I felt connected to him in friendship and knew our time together was valuable and valued.
This is what God wants, too.
I know He doesn’t have our insecurities, our need to be needed. But He does know that our gratitude isn’t always present. And when it isn’t, I don’t think it is Him abandoning us.
However, I imagine we don’t feel Him in these seasons. When we are so focused on ourselves and our needs, is He gone, or have we let distraction break the emotional connection? I believe the latter. That is why it is a feeling of gratitude that is required, not just a prayer of thanks. It is another one of those overwhelming, tear-emitting emotions when we are truly grateful.
It is our hearts swelling with affection for our Savior.
Feeling God is not a formula; it’s a relationship.
Embracing Vulnerability
I don’t believe that we can have true intimacy with anyone, much less God, without a relationship. You must share your entire heart, even the dark caverns you have tried to hide from yourself. Stepping out in faith and trusting the Lord with your whole heart creates a living relationship.
In the quiet moments, when the world is still, we have a unique opportunity to connect with God on a profoundly intimate level. By facing our emotions, journaling our thoughts, studying His Word, leaning into our relationship with Him, and expressing gratitude, we open ourselves to His presence. May these steps guide you towards a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with God.
There is nothing more intimate than quiet time with the One who loves you unconditionally, even if the only time you can find is at 3 a.m.
If you struggle to find intimacy with God and need Christian counseling, contact our team to speak with one of our licensed professional counselors. From marriage counseling to life coaching, Crossroads is here to help you heal from difficulties and provide direction toward living the life God planned for you.
