Listen to the blog:
Sitting by the fire, I have a pile of journals next to me. I enjoy re-reading past journal entries. As I reflect on my past musings, I notice a pattern that permeates almost every year. At some point in my conversations with God (all of my journal entries are addressed to Him), I suddenly will write:
Lord, how can you listen to this anymore. Even I am sick of myself.
This isn’t a one-time thing. I dog-ear the pages in journal after journal.
As I read, I realize my pattern includes ruminating on some concern or issue in my life. I am actively worrying. I write about it for a while before any action is mentioned; if action ever comes at all.
Eventually, I reach the same declaration every time.
Lord, how can you listen to this anymore. Even I am sick of myself.
That proclamation is always the catalyst for change.
Here is a perfect example.
In 2003, I am reading over and over about my frustration running a restaurant:
Lord, I want to help get the restaurant in a good place. It is finally profitable. But it just feels like it will never cash flow with all of the loans taken out to open it. And the people. This is a people-churning industry.
I have never been in this situation before, Lord. I have always been passionate about my work. I don’t feel this is your calling for me.
But what is? I thought about becoming a counselor, but I don’t think I am up for a PhD. That would be seven more years. But the thought of seven more years in the restaurant industry is worse…
Two days later:
Are you calling me to become a counselor, Lord? That seems so foreign to me. But I keep coming back to it. I just want to love what I do. Is that selfish, Lord?
A few more days later:
Our chef quit, Lord. I don’t even know if I care. He was such a pain and he wasn’t controlling food costs. Ugh… I just want to quit and go back to school. But I can’t let everyone down. Is it wrong to want to be called to something? Is it selfish to need purpose and self-actualization? I have always loved what I do, even when it has changed significantly.
Believe it or not, I didn’t stop there. There were several more days of the same drivel before I finally wrote:
Lord, how can you listen to this anymore. Even I am sick of myself.
Like all the other times, when I finally declare the obvious, I hear plainly:
Stop focusing on you. Turn your attention to helping others. Focus on our relationship and spend your time helping others with their issues or concerns.
Suddenly, my journal entries change. They shift outward. I pray for others. I listen. I help where I can. Gratitude begins to replace complaint.
I patiently read on.
Soon, a prayer is answered for me too.
The next time I return to my purpose and calling, I have found a program at LSU, a two-year master’s degree in community counseling to become an LPC. That’s the short answer. It was actually quite amazing how the Lord brought me there, but the point is this…
He did.
He is ever faithful.
Fast forward more than twenty years to 2026. I am a licensed counselor with an expanded practice into coaching. I have experienced continued purpose and passion for decades.
Recognizing this pattern in my journals will hopefully help me skip some of the wasted worry and whining and move more quickly into what actually brings resolution.
Today, in my journal, I document what I already know to be true:
- Write to God (or talk to Him) about what is bothering you. Once will do.
- Pray for guidance and clarity.
- Turn your attention outward. Lean into your relationship with Christ.
- Trust that answers will come, and be okay if the outcome isn’t what you wanted, as long as it is God’s will.
Do you ever find yourself stuck in the same loop with no actions to get out of it? Try this and let God push you through too.
