How to Recalibrate Without Burning It All Down
For as long as I can remember, I have heard about an ominous mystery lurking in the shadows, like a lion waiting to pounce, ready to derail people’s lives, families, and marriages. It was a mystery to be feared as much as quicksand or the Bermuda Triangle.
It was the explanation I got in childhood as to why someone did something unusual: left their family, left their job, left the church, or, on the slightly more positive side, why a person got into body building, got a cool new car, or got a box of Just 4 Men hair dye.
Midlife Crisis.
All I knew growing up was that a midlife crisis was a chaos monkey, often paired with what looked like selfishness and sometimes more than a bit of vanity. It was impossible to anticipate where it would strike and who would be more susceptible to its allure. It seemed like it could suddenly come upon a person, almost like contracting a virus.
Since it’s not a clinical term, it’s a little tricky to nail down what justifies a midlife crisis, and we can really only rely on self-reporting of symptoms. Supposedly, only 10-20% of people report having a midlife crisis. So it lies somewhere between common enough to have a name in the cultural zeitgeist yet not a universal event that everyone inevitably goes through.
What Is a Midlife Crisis, Really?
It may not be a required life stage for everyone, but it’s common enough to make me think that there has to be something to people’s willingness to upend what they’ve built over time.
This has me thinking that if we understand what the desire is, we can use this desire to fuel healthy change in our lives instead of lighting a match and walking away.
Put another way, now that I am squarely in mid-life, I find myself asking, “Is it possible to have a midlife ‘glow-up’ but skip the crisis part?” Can we do a controlled detonation of midlife instead of compulsively upending things? Because honestly, I would rather experience the freedom to change and evolve, but NOT have a crisis. And I’m sure most of you would share that preference as well.
So let’s look at it!
Why Midlife Becomes an Inflection Point
What factors make this midlife point such an inflection point for major transitions? Could we harness the natural desire for life recalibration, but do it with intention and purpose? Or are we destined to wait around and see if we catch the midlife crisis virus?
Factors that contribute to a crisis in midlife:
- You’re not as young as you used to be, but you can still pass for “young enough.” But you know this window is closing, and that fact alone can create some real panic in a person.
- By this point, you and your spouse have experienced some pretty significant ups and downs. You’ve also had the opportunity to curate a substantial list of unmet expectations. It’s tempting to wonder: wouldn’t it be better to be with someone I didn’t associate with all the hard stuff?
- Your kids don’t think you hung the moon anymore. They’re closer to launching than they are to kindergarten, and the urgency of attending to their needs has reduced.
- You have disposable income. Your decisions are less controlled by necessity and need and more about enjoyment and fulfillment.
- You’re not the person you used to be. You’ve grown and evolved. You’ve amended your beliefs about how life works, marriage works, God works, etc.
- You’ve been disappointed and let down more than a few times. Things haven’t worked out exactly the way you expected or the way someone promised you.
Is this me?
For some, midlife can seem like a season of disenchantment.
There truly is something about this point in life that gives you enough of a break where you can pick your head up and look around for the first time in a long time.
And you naturally ask yourself, “Is this the life I’m meant to have?”
I actually think this is a fantastic question and provides an excellent opportunity for recalibration, fresh perspective, and new opportunities.
But you must intentionally engage with these questions to get the most out of this opportunity.
Studies show life satisfaction follows a U-shaped curve, dipping in midlife before rebounding in later years — a natural transition point that makes recalibration timely and necessary.
If you dissociate from your unrest, medicate your malaise, suppress, ignore, or otherwise discard your need for passion and purpose, you’ll either sleepwalk through this chapter of your life or live in denial and delusion until it begins to seep out in ways you can’t control.
How to Recalibrate in Midlife (Without Burning It Down)
Here’s what I suggest: rather than a midlife crisis, let’s have a midlife recalibration.
This is how it could work:
Review Your Values
- Are you authentically living into your values?
- Does your calendar and your bank account reflect your values?
- Are you generally aligned with yourself, or do you make choices that cause regret?
- Sometimes, in midlife, we see that the values we chose in early adulthood no longer match our current season. Everyone is allowed to grow and evolve in this regard!
Review Your Relationships
Your Relationship with God
A lot has changed since you started following God. Like any relationship, that’s completely normal. It’s okay to re-examine your beliefs about things. God’s not running a shady operation! He can stand up to your questioning and wrestling. He’s happy to go through that process with you.
I personally have gone through what many would call a crisis of faith (but like this blog suggests, I went through it without actual crisis, though not without heartache), or today the thing to call it is “deconstruction.” It brought about so many purifying changes in my faith, and I’d love to talk with you about this aspect of your life!
Your Relationships with Friends
Your relationships may have gone to the wayside while you were raising kids.
Are your friendships feeling surface level and hard to get past the small talk, even though you desire it?
Your Relationship with Your Spouse
The ebb and flow of long-term relationships is well established.
Research shows marital satisfaction often dips in midlife, but couples who intentionally engage during these years report higher satisfaction and emotional closeness later.
Relational drift is a real thing, and evaluating your situation and devising a plan to get back on track could be just what you need.
Your Relationship with Yourself
Have you ever felt like you’ve essentially abandoned yourself? Like you left yourself in the dust to care for everybody’s needs or expectations?
Getting reacquainted with what truly makes you come alive is a fantastic opportunity in midlife.
Thanks to neuroplasticity, the brain remains capable of growth and change throughout adulthood — which means midlife recalibration isn’t just possible, it’s biologically supported.
Review Your Goals
It’s possible that what you’ve been chasing no longer appeals to you.
It might also be possible that long ago, you abandoned a goal in favor of a more certain thing.
In his book From Strength to Strength, Arthur C. Brooks discusses how it’s not until midlife that we are in a position to synthesize all that we have mentally and emotionally acquired along the way, and puts us in the absolute best place from which to impact others. Personally, I find this to be a very exciting prospect. This is the season we transition from learning and earning to compounding our efforts into something we could not create before now.
Ready for a Recalibration? Let’s Talk.
At Crossroads, we offer a program called Life By Design which is a package of five two-hour life coaching sessions that help you define precisely what you want your life to look like considering your values, personality, interests, gifts, and resources, and prepare you to launch from where you hadn’t even allowed yourself to dream up. My business partner, Sue Miley, designed this program, and it’s as good or better than anything else I’ve seen on the market. Plus, it has so many applications for midlife.
Ready for a career change? Gone through a divorce? Facing an empty nest? Considering retirement? All of these are excellent reasons to engage in this type of concentrated work. Too often, all we see are the barriers to the life we’d love, but with a little inspiration and a trained navigator as your guide, you’d be amazed at what can come to fruition. It never makes sense to me — all of the sub-par, non-optimal, or even toxic things people put up with in their life just because they think they have to, or it’s too late to change. This is why a midlife recalibration is so essential!
Life IS too short to live it on autopilot. And it’s far too important to tackle without a vision. Rather than suppress your desire for transformation at this junction, or take a match to the whole thing and call it a day, consider how intentional recalibration could serve you well. Midlife is the perfect moment to take stock of where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’d like to go. Don’t skip over the opportunity for a midlife recalibration so you can enjoy a fabulous and fulfilling life for decades to come!
Don’t Wait for a Crisis — Start Your Midlife Recalibration Now
So here’s your invitation: Don’t wait for a crisis to force your hand. Take ownership of your midlife recalibration. If you’ve been carrying unmet dreams, frustrations, or questions about what comes next, let’s talk about it.
Whether you’re facing an empty nest, career pivot, faith questions, or just an itch you can’t name, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation call and see which of our therapists best fits you. The next chapter is yours to write — let’s make it one you love living.
