How can you expect to have deep, meaningful relationships if you never make space for the people in your life that you care most about?
When did you make the shift from hanging out with friends, talking on the phone till all hours of the night with the love of your life, rocking your baby for hours till she falls deeply asleep in your safe arms, to working till 8 pm, coming home and scarfing dinner down before falling into bed, and beginning to snore before you finishing telling your spouse goodnight?
The maintenance of life, the basics of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, take precedence to start. Soon, self-actualization becomes more about the next promotion at work and what car we are driving rather than intimacy with our spouse and friends or building up strong, independent kids.
The Problem: Modern Loneliness and Disconnection
Yet, reading all of the U.S. reports on mental health, this time in history is fraught with loneliness and anxiety across all age groups. The most recent statistic in the U.S. is that 39%-45% of marriages end in divorce. At the same time, suicide remained the leading cause of death in young people. In 2022, data showed a suicide rate of 13.62 for every 100,000 young adults ages 15-24.
I am not trying to provide a research study here. Still, I feel that a key to the rising epidemic of mental health issues, relational issues, and loneliness is our continued departure from face-to-face time with family, friends, and community.
Personal Story: My Journey Toward Reconnection
I have been there and done it. I focused on my career before my kids were born and in their early years. Working well past 40 hours per week and usually into the weekend, I was absent a lot and mentally distant when I was there. I had to leave my business career behind to readjust my priorities. Thankfully, Jesus knocked some sense into me when my kids were still young.
However, I still tend to prioritize doing vs. just being with people. It ebbs and flows. Thankfully, being a counselor and business coach keeps me face-to-face with people all day long. And being involved in church keeps me much more connected to our community than otherwise.
How about you? Do you prioritize spending time with the important people in your life? When you are with them, are you there? You know, actually present.
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, do you feel you receive full attention and are prioritized by the people you love? Are they present with you when you do get their time?
What Does Making Space for Others Look Like?
We can each only control and change ourselves. I would challenge all of us to make space weekly, if not daily, for the people we love. I can say from personal experience, there is nothing more satisfying or purposeful in life than:
- Having a deep conversation with a close friend.
- Spending time doing something fun with family or friends. Like going on a hike, or recently in S.La., building snowmen, or sledding down the street.
- Participating in a discussion with your small group on the sermon from last Sunday.
- Hearing about your adult kids’ accomplishments and life.
- Connecting spiritually over prayer time with your spouse.
- Sharing a meal with family and friends, conversation and laughter flowing.
- Being there to support a friend going through a hard time.
- Having people to call when you are having a hard time and knowing they will be there for you.
Yes, I get that some personality types do enjoy a good checklist of tasks to check off. But, I find it hard to believe that this trumps a deep personal connection with someone you care about.
How Do You Make Space for the People You Care About?
I don’t believe that people are all the same. I think different people connect in their own unique way. And I guess the more you can connect in various ways, the more likely you are to match with mutual connection to others.
We can blame the digital world, but 20 years ago, the divorce rate was over 50%. Social media is definitely the new villain, but we always seem to find something. Just like anything that is important to us, we have to be purposeful in our pursuit. And human nature says that the more satisfaction and success you have in your efforts, the more you will continue making the conscious decision to work on creating space in your life for the people you love.
Here are some suggestions that may fit you:
1. Know Thyself
This may feel counterintuitive, but the more comfortable we are with ourselves, like ourselves, and even enjoy spending time alone, the more openly we connect with others. We are free to share topics we are deeply interested in, we are comfortable asking questions of other people and not worried about personal attention, and in general, we are more confident to put ourselves out there to have a deep connection with someone else.
2. Plan time with others
Unfortunately, when we don’t plan, it is harder to break away from our current activities and really give our attention meaningfully to someone else. But if it is in the plan, then we can have our work buttoned up, our chores completed, or our digital scrolling finished. We can plan in space for those we love.
3. Reach Out First
Keeping going with our routine and not thinking about connecting is easy. And guess what? Everyone else keeps going, too. Soon, people pass each other by in the neighborhood, at the gym, or by the office coffee pot, and no one has time to visit or think about making a plan. Then we justify that “they” haven’t reached out either. Who cares? You still aren’t spending time with the people you care about. Remember, we can only change ourselves. Take the first step and ask for time, plan an activity, or invite someone you care about to go do something.
3. Be Fully Present
Be engaged and engaging. The big joke on TV shows and social media is showing a table of 6 people all together, with each staring at a phone in front of them, ignoring the other. Put your device away. Work at it a little. Be entertaining. Be interested. Suggest an activity to do together that requires everyone to be present. You start!
4, Give Feedback
We are all human, and even the ones who seem less human and less emotional like positive feedback. It is always nice to hear from someone that they enjoyed your company, they had fun playing tennis with you, or they were intrigued by something you said in the conversation. Again, you start! Follow up and tell the people you care about how much you care. Share how important the time together and connection is. Your initiative may even get them to make the first move next time.
Faith Connection: God’s Design for Community
We live in a busy world, but it is just another ploy of Satan to keep us disconnected. It helps his lies that no one cares about us and that we shouldn’t waste our time on each other.
As in everything, God’s view is the opposite. He created us for community. He knows we need to connect with Him and each other. And He supplies us, through the fruits of the Spirit, with all we need to connect. The Holy Spirit will provide the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-discipline.
We need to trust and believe in that….and pray for it.
How Can You Get Started Now?
Who in your life do you care about the most? Do you make space for them? In that space, do you do what you can to create meaningful connections for your loved ones to feel your interest and your love?
- Write out a list of who you want to spend more time with and create more intimacy.
- Then, make a plan to purposefully spend time with each of them over the next few weeks or months.
- Reach out and tell them. You may be pleasantly surprised with how pleasantly surprised they are.
And, remember, we all have succumbed to life’s busyness. If the first invite falls flat, don’t give up. Keep trying. Remember, these are the people you love the most.
