• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Crossroads Professional Counseling

Christian Counseling | Baton Rouge + Prairieville

Providing Professional Christian Counseling and Coaching to the Baton Rouge and surrounding areas.

225-341-4147
  • Home
  • Christian Counseling
    • Marriage
    • Individual
    • Family
    • Children and Teenagers
  • Life Coaching
  • Coaching Programs
    • Life by Design Program
    • Career By Design Program
  • Blog
  • About Us
    • Sue J. Miley LPC, MA, MBA
    • Suzanne K. Jones, LPC, MA
    • Cheryl Brodnax, LPC, M.A., M.B.A., M.S.
  • Contact Us

The Secrets to A Life-long Marriage: Starting the Journey

August 27, 2014 By Steve Fox 2 Comments

Hi! Thanks for visiting! To make life easier, you may want to subscribe free to my Email feed. !

couplesittingOpposites DO Attract . . . but then what?

Have you ever said this before to a friend about your spouse?

“I have tried my best. We are just so different. I know that he seemed so wonderful while we were dating.”  

Or

“She was so different from anyone I had ever met.  But now I become angry so often because of what she says and does.”

Many of us have married someone “just the opposite.”  Remember what first attracted you?   It was interesting, exciting, even intriguing. And the reason you were first attracted was because that other someone had qualities that were different from yours – qualities you considered endearing and desirable.

The “great theologian” Rocky Balboa (Please note humor here!) said it so well in the first Rocky movie when he was asked why he was so attracted to Adrian.

“I dunno . . . she fills gaps.”

“What’s ‘gaps’?” Rocky is asked.

And then comes a statement that helps explain why people get married, and why sometimes they have difficulties after they are married:

“I dunno.  She’s got gaps . . .  I got gaps . . . Together we fill the gaps.”

 When the Gaps Become Traps

But the big question is:  At what point did my spouse’s differences no longer fill my gaps?  When did they become an irritant?  And when did some of them begin to even make me angry?  They use to be “interesting” and even “cute.” What changed?

The “system” of dating here in the U.S. often tends to enhance the problem.  Think about your dating experience. You wanted to show that “special someone” your best.  You wanted them to like you . . .  and even fall in love with you.  And (believe it or not), they did the same.

Then, we enter marriage with expectations of what that person is like.  And we married that person because we thought they would make us happy.  After all, isn’t that the goal of marriage? IF we believe that, then it certainly makes sense to simply separate, divorce, and try again every time we are no longer happy. If marriage isn’t fulfilling that ‘goal,’ why stay in it?

 More Than A Feeling

But is marriage more than just being happy? Is this “love” that we claim during our dating, engagement, and first months of marriage simply something we feel?

Tim Keller recently posted a Tweet that stated: “You don’t fall into love.  You commit to it.  Love is saying I will be there, no matter what.”

If the basis for our marriage relationship is simply the “romantic love” that we experience early in our relationship, we are sacrificing the authentic for something that alone is shallow, superficial, and not enough for a lifetime.

When we talk with couples who have been married for 30, 40, 50 or more years and ask them the “secret” of their marriage, many do not know where to start because there are many factors that have allowed their marriage to endure, and even flourish.   But each of these couples always says, “It was not always this way.”

Commitment itself can lead to a great marriage

Several studies indicate that over 65% of “unhappy marriages” will become happy within five years IF PEOPLE STAY MARRIED AND DO NOT DIVORCE.  Simply making the decision to “stick it out” and work on the marriage provides the opportunity for the couple to not only stay married for a lifetime, but to develop a relationship that they could never have imagined during the early years of their marriage.

My wife has often told our daughters that no matter how hard they searched, they would not find a 20-something that was the man they knew their father to be.  “He did not start out that way.”  It took us years to become appreciative of our differences, to develop a way of becoming who we are now and to develop the fulfilling, satisfying relationship that we experience today.  And we are still learning . . . often failing, but willing to continue to work at it.

There is hope . . .  more than you realize!

So we need to consider… what really is marriage?  What type of commitment have I made?  Am I willing to “stick it out” and work on it, rather than replace our relationship with something else that looks (at least on the surface) like what I think I need to be “happy?”

Join me as we begin this journey.Older Couple Walking Along Beach

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • Print

Filed Under: Christian Living Tagged With: commitment, divorce, happiness, love, Marriage, relationships

About Steve Fox

After working as a Chemical Engineer for 36 years, Steve decided to follow his passion and focus on counseling as his second career. He earned an MA in Counseling from LSU and is now a Counselor with Crossroads. He has worked with couples on a ministry basis for over 25 years. His areas of counseling focus are marriage/family, career counseling/coaching, men's issues, and families of those struggling with addictions.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Gayle Jones says

    August 27, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Steve…what a great job on this article! Very helpful information for young couples.

    Reply
    • Steve Fox says

      September 15, 2014 at 12:02 pm

      Gayle. Thanks for the encouragement!! My journey began in Beaumont, teaching your son and daughter-in-law. Ask them to keep in touch as well. Steve Fox

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I accept the Privacy Policy

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar

Connect With US

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Blog Categories

  • Anxiety/Depression
  • Career
  • Christian Living
  • conflict resolution
  • Emotions
  • Interpersonal Skills
  • Marriage/Couples
  • Mental Health
  • Parenting/Family
  • Transitions
  • Uncategorized

Visit our Christian Business Coaching Site

Crossroads-Professional-Coaching

Where Christian Values & Good Business Converge

Footer

VISIT OUR CHRISTIAN BUSINESS COACHING WEBSITE

Crossroads-Coach-Logo-in-White

SUBSCRIBE FOR RESOURCES, UPDATES AND ARTICLES

CROSSROADS PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING

8280 YMCA Plaza Dr.
Building 10-B
Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 70810
(225) 341-4147

CONNECT WITH US

Facebook-Icon Google-Plus-Icon Linkedin-Icon Twitter-Icon

Copyright © 2022 · CROSSROADS PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING | Privacy Policy | Privacy Tools

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Reject Read More
Privacy Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT