• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Crossroads Professional Counseling

Christian Counseling | Baton Rouge + Prairieville

Providing Professional Christian Counseling and Coaching to the Baton Rouge and surrounding areas.

225-341-4147
  • Home
  • Christian Counseling
    • Marriage
    • Individual
    • Family
    • Children and Teenagers
  • Life Coaching
  • Coaching Programs
    • Life by Design Program
    • Career By Design Program
  • Blog
  • About Us
    • Sue J. Miley LPC, MA, MBA
    • Suzanne K. Jones, LPC, MA
    • Cheryl Brodnax, LPC, M.A., M.B.A., M.S.
  • Contact Us

What Does Codependency Really Mean?

March 21, 2014 By Suzanne Jones

Hi! Thanks for visiting! To make life easier, you may want to subscribe free to my Email feed. !


I was chatting with my daughter just the other day and with great authority and conviction she said, “I need someone to go with me, because, uh, you know, I’m so codependent!” I smiled. Preferring to be in the company of others isn’t codependent. Neither is it codependent when partners or friends lean on one another. Some therapists don’t even like the term codependent because it seems to have become a mushy catch-all phrase that describes a plethora of unhealthy behaviors. So let me be so bold as to offer a definition.

Defining Ourselves Through Others

Codependency is a constellation of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that profoundly affect the way the codependent person relates to others. People who are codependent define themselves and gain or lose their self-esteem based on the reaction and behavior of people they are in relationship with. This, in turn, leaves them vulnerable to being controlled by others.

Codependent people will often sacrifice their own wants, needs, feeling, and ideas to make others happy. Typical behaviors include a need to rescue, please, or fix other people. As a result, codependent people can be very controlling, but often with seemingly great motives and in the nicest way!

Trouble Setting Boundaries

These folks have trouble setting boundaries with themselves and others. They have trouble saying no. They often feel guilty and responsible for others which leads to a lot of compulsive behavior. They have trouble being realistic and seeing what seems to be plain to everyone else. Guilt, resentment, anxiety, depression, feeling hurt, alone, misunderstood and burnt out is all part of the codependent individual’s emotional landscape.

A Warped View of God

Codependency has spiritual implications as well. Instead of having an authentic, open relationship with God, codependent people can often slip into a works-based faith, trying desperately to earn love and acceptance, rather than accepting what is freely offered. Many codependent tendencies start in our youth. How we saw our parents is often how we see God. Is he loving and approachable? Or does it seem his love is conditional?

Looking for Love in the Wrong Places

What motivates someone with codependent traits? They want what we all desire- love, acceptance, and affirmation. The problem isn’t wanting love and acceptance. The problem is that the method used to find them is severely flawed and a recipe for disaster. Here is an excerpt from my article, Rethinking Selfless Love, which describes what I am talking about.

At first the accolades rolled in and I felt affirmed. But as time went on I was often overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling guilty that I couldn’t handle the life I had created for myself! Eventually the encouragement and gratitude I received for my hard work were replaced by entitlement and indifference. Life began a quiet descent into resentment, disillusion, and depression. This wasn’t the life I wanted!

Service, and attending to the needs of others, isn’t wrong. Scripture seems to encourage us to sacrificial service. But I’m talking about out-of-control caretaking. It is the kind of service that is driven by compulsion and obligation, the kind that leaves us feeling worn out and beat up and so out of touch with ourselves that we don’t even know who we are anymore. We see a need-often, but not always, a legitimate need, and we feel obliged to fix it. “If not us, who?” We feel compelled to make things right so we plead, nag, scold, advise, or put in hours of labor, neglecting our own needs. We resent the fact that we have to fix everything for everyone but what can we do? It’s up to us! Then we get angry. Why do people have to be so demanding, so incompetent? Then we are hurt. Could they at least be thankful for all I do for them? Sometimes depression sets in when the love and approval we thought we would earn for all our efforts eludes us.

Working Harder Isn’t the Answer!

Do you relate to any of this? It isn’t always easy to recognize this in yourself. So many features of codependent behavior seem positive at first. What’s wrong with taking care of others? What’s wrong with being such a nice person?  Or a super-conscientious parent? Or an ever-giving partner? The problem is that working harder to be better, nicer, or more to win the love and approval you long for is a trap. Eventually you begin to feel like a hamster on a wheel, working hard, but going nowhere. This approach won’t get you what you want.

Understanding how you got where you are today and how to head in a different direction can change your life!  Recovery is a process, not something that can be accomplished overnight. I’m not sure it isn’t more accurate to talk about managing codependency as opposed to curing it. In any case, key parts of recovery include understanding what circumstances and people have shaped you, where codependent behavior and distorted thinking are affecting you today, and learning skills to approach relationships in a healthier way. Reading more about codependency can be very helpful but often people change and grow in the context of supportive relationships. Finding others to support you –friends, family, a therapist-can be invaluable as you journey towards a healthier approach to life and relationships.

_________________________________________________

Jones, Suzanne Headshot image III  I am a Licensed Professional Counselor,  a National Certified Counselor (NCC), and a registered nurse. I have  counseled many- individually and in groups- who struggle with codependency.

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • Print

Filed Under: Christian Living Tagged With: codependency

About Suzanne Jones

Suzanne is a board certified Family Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and a Licensed Professional Counselor. After working several years as a nurse, she decided to pursue counseling. She earned her MA in counseling from Louisiana State University. After counseling for ten years, she earned her MS in Nursing from the University of South Alabama, to augment her practice. Her combination of credentials underscores her belief that medications may be necessary at times, but, the real work of change happens in therapy. Her training and personal philosophy are holistic, considering the emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and even academic/career concerns of her clients.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Tonya Raybon says

    March 27, 2014 at 9:01 am

    ok i read it…….fits like a glove!! of course brings tears to my eyes!!! so how do you stop? its so hard to walk away or put it down!!! but i’m working on it. great read!~

Trackbacks

  1. What Busy Looks Like in Your 20’s | Tackling Twenties says:
    October 21, 2014 at 8:22 am

    […] a term for that which I think you may have heard tossed around a time or two: codependency. Codependency can take many forms, but one of which is the exasperated sense of responsibility for meeting others’ needs, and the […]

Primary Sidebar

Connect With US

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Blog Categories

  • Anxiety/Depression
  • Career
  • Christian Living
  • conflict resolution
  • Emotions
  • Interpersonal Skills
  • Marriage/Couples
  • Mental Health
  • Parenting/Family
  • Transitions
  • Uncategorized

Visit our Christian Business Coaching Site

Crossroads-Professional-Coaching

Where Christian Values & Good Business Converge

Footer

VISIT OUR CHRISTIAN BUSINESS COACHING WEBSITE

Crossroads-Coach-Logo-in-White

SUBSCRIBE FOR RESOURCES, UPDATES AND ARTICLES

CROSSROADS PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING

8280 YMCA Plaza Dr.
Building 10-B
Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 70810
(225) 341-4147

CONNECT WITH US

Facebook-Icon Google-Plus-Icon Linkedin-Icon Twitter-Icon

Copyright © 2023 · CROSSROADS PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING | Privacy Policy | Privacy Tools

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Reject Read More
Privacy Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT