As you enter adulthood, you often hear the trite advice, “watch out for your in-laws!” Perhaps most often this warning pertains to your mother-in-law. (My mother-in-law is certainly not worthy of such warning but perhaps you know one who is!) Many movies have depicted the tension and angst of the in-law relationship. Monster In Law; Meet the Parents; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; and my personal favorite- Son in Law staring the incomparable Pauly Shore.
In my opinion, another subset of family is every bit as worthy of their own cultural trope, yet often goes unaddressed: adult siblings.
You read that right.
The people you were raised with. You share one or both parents. Heck, you even share DNA! You had the same holidays, vacations and traditions, the same extended families, and most of the same values and rules. (Unless you were the baby, of course!)
How on earth did things go so sideways?! How did things get so WEIRD with your adult siblings?! Let’s spend a little time answering two questions and see where that gets us. How did this happen and what can you do about it?
How did it happen?
Everything is relative
- Your experiences were not their experiences. Remember that awesome Christmas when you got your favorite new pair of Limited Too jeans? Your sister was mad and didn’t feel known because she got the wrong Nikes from Santa and the neighbors made fun of her.
- Differing accounts of the same events. Remember that time Uncle Buck came to town and ended up staying for 3 months? You thought it was awesome because he took you to see Rated R movies. But your brother had to share a room with him and it was his first exposure to pornography. (I feel like I just dropped a bomb here but this type of stuff totally happens.)
- Different phases of your parents lives. Was your mom a “stay at home mom” when you were growing up but got a job after your sister was born? Was your dad an alcoholic when you were younger but in recovery during your brother’s formative years? All of these changes (good and bad) can provide very different experiences for siblings.
- Differences. Period. You and your siblings had different needs that may or may not have been met. You have different personality types. You each possess unique capacities for resilience. All of these concepts factor into how you each feel about your childhoods and how you view and relate to the world around them.
Life choices and experiences
- Pursuit of education. Did you barely graduate high school but your siblings went on to college? This may seem like a small thing around the Thanksgiving table but can lead to wildly different life experiences, or perhaps even some good ole familial resentment.
- Pursuit of growth. Did you attend therapy but your siblings think it’s a joke? Are you a yogi but your siblings are constantly roasting your hippy vibes? The concepts of looking at one’s shortcomings and engaging in personal growth and healing can be very divisive in one’s family of origin.
- Travel. Did you stay close to home or study abroad? Did they take a promotion that involved them moving to Australia for most of their 30s? Being exposed to different cultures really shakes up the family system.
- Work environment. Who is a blue collar worker and who is white collar? Are you a plant worker and curse words are part of your daily vernacular or do you work in a library and expect most people to whisper? Career choices greatly vary and present specific challenges in relating to others, siblings or otherwise.
- Coming out. “Wait…you’re a _______________ now?” LBGTQ+? Progressive? Conspiracy Theorist? Protestant? Atheist? No matter the type of shift, it will cause rifts.
- Mental health diagnosis/Substance abuse history.
- Life partners/Spouse. I saved this one for last since it’s the easiest one to talk about. Just kidding. It’s huge. I don’t even want to get into it! Suffice it to say, we don’t have any choice in who our siblings bring in to the family and sometimes that poses difficulties.
What to do about it.
Have appropriate expectations.
- Enjoy the memories you share together (from your perspective). Some light joking about past antics may also be appropriate. But give your adult siblings the respect that you’d give a coworker when they are discussing issues that you find to be problematic.
Don’t compare.
- Don’t compare your adult sibling to their younger self and how you expected them to be. “I always thought it would be like ____________.”
- Don’t compare your relationship with your siblings to your friend’s relationship with theirs. “My cousins all have a group chat with their parents and I just don’t understand why we can’t do that without fighting.”
Build out your chosen family.
- One great thing about being an adult is that you get to build out your own support system. Friendships go a long way to fill in the sibling gaps. This is a blessing and you should take full advantage of this freedom.
Pick your battles carefully.
- Your understanding of their identity is in-flux. Make allotments for that.
- Use wisdom when deciding if a topic is worth getting into or is better left unaddressed.
- If they’re not in your daily life, it may not be worth it to rock the boat on certain issues.
- If an issue is big enough to address, decide in advance what your boundaries will be and have a plan to implement them in a loving but firm way.
Geez this is all so complicated! Good luck!
These nuances are not for the faint of heart. As you pursue health, your family of origin will definitely be impacted. Learning to respect your adult siblings for the well-intentioned humans that they most certainly are can go a long way in spreading around much needed grace.
