Why is it so hard to ask for help, even when I know I can’t handle it all? I’ll take on the colossal task or event, determined to make it happen no matter what. Yet behind the scenes, there’s gnashing of teeth, mounting stress on my Oura ring, and a herculean effort to focus through my newly claimed ADD.
The words, “I’ve got it,” leave my mouth before my brain can process them.
It has been my path and pattern, until now.
I know you’re the same way. It’s automatic, isn’t it? But deep down, you’ve probably reflected on why you avoid help.
Does this sound familiar?
- They might say “no,” and I’ll be hurt or disappointed.
- They might say “yes” but not mean it, leaving me in the lurch at the last minute.
- I don’t want to seem weak, unorganized, talentless, or overwhelmed. People know me as the strong one who can do it all.
- They might help, but not the way I want, and then I’ll feel like a controlling pain.
And so, the excuses roll on.
These excuses become second nature, don’t they? But as time passes, they can leave us questioning: why do I do it all? Do people even appreciate my effort? Over time, people came to expect me to handle things—and stopped offering help altogether.
It’s painful to write this because I know I have had these thoughts and feelings many times. And to be fair to you and me, I asked for help some time ago and was let down a time or two. The easiest path forward to protect my heart was to have zero expectations. I speak from experience, though, not as a counselor. This can be isolating. And push the people you want closer, away.
But this holiday season was different. Here’s why.
The Turning Point: My Holiday Season
Our circumstances changed rapidly this year:
- It was only the second Christmas with all our kids and their spouses at our house. We alternate holidays with the in-laws.
- This time, we added five grandchildren to the mix; the last time, we had one.
- Our extended family has grown with spouses, children, and girlfriends. We host for both sides of the family.
- Oh, and I fractured my arm the day after Thanksgiving. My right arm!
- To top it off, I planned the company Christmas party at my house less than a week before Christmas—and planned to cook a good bit of it.
I needed help. But what does a chronic “I’ll-do-it-myself” person do when the load is truly too much?
My husband and kids weren’t my answer this time. My husband’s solution is to avoid taking on so much in the first place. (Side note: I envy his lack of co-dependence and healthy independence. Don’t tell him, though.) My kids have babies and toddlers and were just surviving their own day-to-day. So, I turned to a different source: my friends.
Case Studies: Lessons in Accepting Help
Case Study #1: Decorating with a Broken Arm
It felt like a tiny miracle that all the stars aligned so that everyone could gather this Christmas. My husband wanted the house beautifully decorated, but decorating isn’t my strong suit. His solution was to hire someone, but the prices made me choke. There was no way I would spend that.
When I shared my intimidation with a talented friend, she offered to help. I’m unsure what shifted for me—maybe it was the cost savings, or I just wanted to spend time with her. She shopped for decorations, came over, and transformed our home.
To add insult to injury—literally—I fractured my arm the day she arrived to decorate the tree. I ended up sitting and watching her work. On my fifth apology, she turned to my husband and said, “You better take her to get an x-ray before it gets too late.” Another way of saying, please get her out of here so I can work peacefully!
When I returned, the house was stunning—a scene from a Thomas Kincaid painting. All I had to do was enjoy a glass of wine by the fire with my friend.
Case Study #2: Wrapping the Mountain of Gifts
I was staring at a mountain of 50 presents to wrap, all while hand-painting tags with my fractured arm. Wrapping is my thing; I love making the tree look coordinated and beautiful. But this time, it felt impossible.
During a phone call with another friend, we shared personal challenges. She immediately volunteered to help. “Are you kidding? You’d do that?” I asked, shocked.
Who wants to wrap someone else’s gifts out of the kindness of their heart.
“Of course! I love wrapping presents,” she replied.
She came over the next day and wrapped four gifts to my one. The mountain was conquered in two hours, and we had a wonderful time together.
Case Study #3: Hosting a Company Party
Our team has grown, and with kids included, there were about 20 people on the invite list for our company Christmas party—on a Thursday, no less. Poor planning on my part.
My counseling partner (and friend) texted the weekend before: “I cleared my schedule Thursday afternoon to help you get ready for the party.” She didn’t even wait for me to ask. Everything came together beautifully, and the party was one of our best yet.
How to Accept Help: A Step-by-Step Guide
If you’re like me and struggle to accept help, here’s the process that worked for me:
- Acknowledge the need: Be honest about your need for help.
- Ask (or accept offers): Don’t overthink; ask or say “yes” when help is offered.
- Be gracious: Thank them without excuses or apologies.
- Let go of control: Allow them to help their way and trust the process.
- Reflect and repeat: Note how the support improved the outcome and embrace asking for help in the future.
Reflections and Moving Forward
This season taught me a powerful lesson: accepting help strengthens relationships, lightens the load, and often leads to better results than I could achieve alone.
Everything was more beautiful, more joyful, and more glorifying to Jesus because I let others in.
Of course, giving back is equally important. But if you’re like me, giving comes naturally. Receiving takes practice. I’m still learning, but I’m a grateful help recipient for life.
This week, think of one task where you could ask for help. Whether it’s a small favor or a big undertaking, try saying ‘yes’ when help is offered—and notice how it feels.
If you need help embracing this mindset, although a newbie, I’m here to process with you. Call for an appointment—I’d love to share this journey with you.
