“I’ve never had a best friend.” This is a sentence that I hear quite often from both men and women clients, strangers, and people I know. It’s as if there’s a universal law that everyone should have a “best friend” or even a group of best friends. Who came up with that? And sometimes we think our spouse has to function as our best friend…but that’s another blog post! It definitely seems like people think: if you don’t have a best friend, there’s something wrong with you, you’re missing out, and you’re doomed to loneliness and never quite fitting in.
I think that’s a flat-out lie.
Here are some truths to hold onto to combat that lie:
A LOT (and I mean a LOT) of people feel this way.
If everybody got together who didn’t feel like they fit into a friend group, you’d have an awesome friend group!
It’s a lot of pressure for yourself and your friends to expect you to have one “person.”
Pro-tip: friendships usually don’t flourish under a lot of internal pressure. Open-handedness is always the best approach to friendships.
It is a disservice to your friends when you think of them as not being your “ride or die” people.
This is a comparison trap. It sounds like this, “Sure…I am friends with Caitlyn, but she’s better friends with Bianca than me.” You’re not going to be everyone’s BFF, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy friendships with people just because they have other/closer friends. It’s not a race, a game, or a popularity contest. Adult friendship is just about people supporting one another and having a blast while doing it.
Friendships change according to the seasons of life, and that’s okay.
Your friendships will look different from high school to college, from college to early career, if you have young kids, if you’re taking care of sick parents, or if you’ve moved. Friendships will evolve and look different for different logistical reasons, but in those times of change, focus on the meaningfulness of connection and not the amount of time spent together.
People probably feel closer to you than you realize.
For whatever reason, I find that people discount potential friends and see them as peripheral acquaintances. Who in your life are you overlooking? Who could you engage with more? Invest in more? Open up to more?
Revive the long-forgotten.
Have you ever lost touch with someone? Someone you don’t work with anymore? A person you used to go to church with? Someone, you used to be close to in school? People generally enjoy reviving a friendship that has grown a little cold on accident or by circumstance. Don’t be too cool to reach out to someone who you used to enjoy! You’re probably Facebook friends with them already, so just re-engage (through some means of non-social media-based contact).
You probably have more friends than you give yourself credit for.
I am a proponent of The Smorgasbord Approach. This viewpoint instantly opens up some freedom and grace. Ruth’s Chris is great. But you’ll get the same essential meal there every time you go. We’ve got to move away from the mentality that every meal needs to be Ruth’s Chris; if it’s not, there’s something wrong with it. Quality of food notwithstanding (sorry, Golden Corral), enjoying variety in options, portion sizes, and cuisines is a great thing! Don’t expect to get everything you want or “need” socially from one person. Therefore, Enjoy different things from different people, and all your bases will be covered! And you’ll have a blast doing it! If you insist on comparing the steak from Golden Corral to Ruth’s Chris, you’ll be routinely disappointed. It’s all about shifting what you’re looking for.
How can you be a better friend?
There’s a scripture verse in Romans that states, “Be devoted to one another in love and outdo one another in showing honor,” and another in Philippians 2 that says, “Consider other’s needs more important than your own.” It sounds like friendship mattered to the early church, so it should be important to us.
Let’s figure out some ways to up our friendship game!
What can you bring to the table?
Friendship isn’t all about trading things. However, I do think it’s true that you’ve got to be a good friend to have good friends. There’s also this whole idea of equity in friendship that I find interesting. You don’t want to be the person who always needs or is always handing out favors. Keeping the “score” even keeps the relationship flowing smoothly. (I’m currently listening to The Science of Likability on Audible, where they talk about this concept, and I’m learning a lot!)
Be a good and patient listener.
Get off of your phone. Don’t interrupt. Seek to understand. Don’t bring everything back to you or be a one-upper when you hear stories.
Positivity goes a long way.
Everyone likes encouragement. Say the words face to face; don’t just like their posts on social media!
Actively assume the best.
This is a real skill that can be learned, and it will pay big dividends in your friendships. When you actively spin a situation in a way that minimizes a person’s occasional forgetfulness, unintentional disrespect, awkwardness, etc., you are adding a type of friendship WD-30. So, brush up on your skills of being gracious and generous with people’s motives and intentions.
Be interested.
If you ask specific, brief follow-up questions about something a person mentioned previously, you’re already setting yourself up as a great person to have around. Therefore, being interested keeps things interesting. So remember conversations and follow-up.
Initiate.
If you want to be busy with friends, initiate time together and activities.
Alright…there you have it!
Get to it!
As always, I love helping others navigate their way to more meaningful connections with God, self, and others. If you really want to see the connection with others change in your life, feel free to contact me to set up a counseling session.
