The Quiet Damage of Hiding Your Expectations

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I think there are two alternative points of view when it comes to expectations. Many people would say, “If you don’t have any expectations, you won’t be disappointed.”

Maybe this would work—just maybe.

But what if you’re just telling yourself, you don’t have any expectations, while secretly, deep down in the corners of your heart, they are sitting dormant—quietly anticipating and waiting?

The Trap of Unspoken Expectations

Then we may set ourselves up unknowingly:

1. The expectations are there, even if unspoken. When the other person falls short, the hurt and disappointment bubble up anyway—surprising both you and the other person.
2. Since the expectations were not expressed to the other person or even clearly to yourself, they may not have even been aiming at the same target. The result may become a repeating self-fulfilling prophecy.

You may be thinking, but the alternative—expressing your expectations, leaning in, and being disappointed when people don’t come through—is more hurtful or alarming in itself.

So, why not take the lesser of two evils, right?

Leading with Expectations

I admit, it can be tempting. But I am in the camp of letting my expectations lead. I have done both, on many occasions. So, here’s the truth about it: we interact with people we care about every day.

We have relational expectations:

• Will they care about my feelings?
• Will they be honest?
• Will they do what they say?

We have expectations of roles and responsibilities with each other—in marriage, as co-parents, at work:

• Who is supposed to do what?
• Will they give it their all?
• Will they care how their actions impact others?

And we even have expectations of how people will show up today:

• Will they be in a good mood?
• Will they talk?
• Will they be present?

We are almost fighting a losing battle to pretend we can remove our expectations—whether we express them or not.

A Personal Example

Recently, I’ve had some health issues to resolve. This has required me to miss more work than I’m comfortable with, and I’ve had to move clients or shift meetings. I hope my clients will understand, not get frustrated, and not disappear. I hope that, over the years, I’ve built enough consistency in my role that they’ll realize this situation is unavoidable.

Am I nervous each time I have to move people, or am I late because I was held up at the doctor’s? Yes. But I believe that by having expectations of a positive response, my communication is more open, upfront, and sincere.

I’m not making excuses or trying to convince them it’s not a big deal that I’ve had to change our schedule two or three weeks in a row.

Are You Protecting Your Heart or Creating a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?

Over the years, I’ve been disappointed by both friends and family in how they showed up when I needed them. I’m a pretty independent, capable person who usually handles life’s issues and crises on my own.

Early on, if I was really emotional and upset about something and turned to a friend, I’d get even more upset when they wouldn’t take the time to listen—much less offer encouragement or advice.

I understood that most of my friends and family were not used to seeing me as a wreck. They just assumed I’d figure it out on my own and that it would pass. And usually, I did figure it out on my own. It may have taken a minute, but to everyone else, I pretended all was okay—that I didn’t really have expectations of them to begin with.

But then I noticed: I asked for help—or even just an ear—less and less. I had no expectations that people close to me would show up for me in any supportive way. As a matter of fact, my expectations turned 180°. I assumed they wouldn’t. And couldn’t.

So, guess what? I created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I thought I was protecting my heart, but all I was doing was creating one-sided friendships where, over time, I became resentful that I always showed up, but my friends were not available for me.

That is sad.

At some point—probably after a master’s degree in counseling—I learned that this perspective was self-defeating.

It’s Better to Have Expectations

I decided it’s better to have expectations and admit it to myself at least.

Why? What does this do to mitigate the hurt or disappointment?

A lot, really. Let’s walk through a process.

I have a problem that I’m upset about. I don’t expect others to solve my life problems for me. But I may expect a friend or pastor to be willing to listen and at least let me know they care.

That is an expectation. But by admitting it to myself first, I can not only persuade myself to reach out to a friend, but I can also better communicate my expectations and needs:

“Hey, I have a problem I need to discuss with someone. I trust you. I don’t need you to solve it, but I think processing it out loud will help me see it better, and I know you care about me. I just need some support.”

This open communication helps my friend know that I do need them—but my expectations are not open-ended. I just need a trusted ear. I’m not putting the pressure on them to fix my life.

I’m setting us both up to show up well and have a better chance of meeting each other’s expectations.

Will It Work Every Time?

Probably not.

Will I still get disappointed or even hurt when I was open and reasonable, but the person didn’t show up for me?

Yes.

But I can say that since changing my perspective on expectations and being more open with others, I’ve been pleasantly surprised.

When I suppressed my expectations and stopped asking for support, I received zero.

And even though I didn’t ask, I still felt disappointed—No one is ever here for me.

But now, more people have really shown up for me. More than I expected.

My expectations have been exceeded. My relationships feel more balanced. My outcomes are better.

What if the Betrayal is Life-Crushing?

My example may not seem that risky—but it illustrates the point. I know there are much bigger betrayals looming for many of us.

What happens when:

• In your marriage, you had the expectation of faithfulness—and then they weren’t?
• You expected your team to do their part on a project—and they didn’t?
• Your child promised they’d quit doing drugs if you bailed them out just one last time—and it only lasted a minute?

I get it. These are big challenges. And we’re afraid that if we have expectations, the disappointment or hurt will crush us.

Potential Benefits of Leading with Expectations

Let me remind you of this truth:

• If you don’t express your expectation, the other person doesn’t even know they exist to meet them.
• We have a God who will protect our hearts—if we turn to Him for our comfort.
• People rise to the occasion more often when they know what is expected of them.
• We do a better job tending to our own hearts if we are open and honest about what we feel.

The alternative?

A minefield of unmet expectations, less relational intimacy, more anxiety and depression, and less of God in our lives.

To Expect or Not to Expect, That is the Question

What do you think?

If you made it this far, is it worth a try?

Can you think of a relationship or two that could benefit from you giving them the benefit of the doubt and leaning in—expectations and all?