One of the Worst Birthdays of My Life
My wife and I had planned this weekend for several months. We were spending two nights at a hotel/spa out of town. Everything seemed perfect. We were away from the busyness of life and had anticipated a relaxing time of simply being in each other’s presence.
Using my “counseling skills” I had striven for transparency and authenticity during the weekend. This was an opportunity to go deeper into our relationship. We could talk honestly about hopes and dreams. We could use this time to touch on sensitive areas of our relationship that would probably take time and energy that we normally could not find.
But during the weekend, my own self-centeredness began to take over. It wasn’t intentional, but I was using this opportunity to let my wife know the tiny irritations that had been bugging me. In “uncounselor-like” fashion they came out more as small snide or sarcastic remarks. Sure, I told her how much I adored her and how I cherished our relationship. But often the other remarks began to tear her down.
Finally she had had enough. She accused me of focusing on a multitude of tiny issues that really do not matter. She was right. Not only was I simply complaining, but my motivation was all wrong. I was focusing on what I wanted and how my wife could make my life more pleasant.
What was Missing?
Several hours later (it took a while for my wife to want to talk to me!), we discussed what had happened. (This is where my counseling skills were a plus!).
Sincerity, transparency, and authenticity are absolutely essential to a marriage relationship. It is important for a couple to develop trust with each other and to believe that their commitment to each other is strong enough to survive their honest conversations.
But the motivation must be considered. Am I being “honest” with my spouse in order to draw us closer together? Or am I doing it to remove irritations so that I will feel better? Is my goal for me to become more content and comfortable?
What was missing is described clearly in Scripture for all relationships. And it is especially important in a marriage relationship.
Believe the Best About the Other Person.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Cor 13:7
When my wife says something to me or does something that irritates me, I have several options:
I can easily convince myself that her comments are intentional and she wants to “push my buttons.” I can react because I am confident that she is purposely being inconsiderate, or maybe even mean.
But I know that this is not who she is as a person. So I can either choose to react to what she says or does, or I can “believe the best.” I can choose to find out what she is really saying and why. And I can choose to assume that something else is going on in her week that is bothering her. Perhaps stress at work, or uncomfortable conversations with others, or perhaps simply not enough sleep.
Practice Grace
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Col 3:13-14
Grace is a word that has a number of meanings, depending on how it is being used. If I look to Christ’s example, I need to look past the words and actions of my spouse, and simply love her unconditionally no matter the circumstances. When I do this, it allows me to focus on her, on her needs, and how I can love her better. It also provides me with a better perspective on how small the “irritation” is, compared to our entire relationship.
Provide Forgiveness
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:32
It sounds so easy to “provide grace,” and to “overlook” irritations. But if I do not forgive my spouse, then the irritation will certainly turn into anger, which will eventually transform into bitterness. And then when it “erupts,” it becomes damaging to our relationship. I must purposefully choose to forgive her. If I find that similar irritations begin to build, then I need to reflect on whether my forgiveness has been sincere.
You might want to look at my blog entitled “When Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ is Not Enough”
Pray!
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16
I have discovered that as I pray for my spouse, my whole attitude changes. I begin to view her from God’s perspective. I begin to look at her needs and how I can serve/protect/love her. And my own false sense of fairness, rights, and self-centeredness begins to dissipate.
Transparency, honesty, authenticity are critical in order for a marriage relationship to become all that God intends. These can be used, however, as an excuse to point out faults in our spouse so that our own life will be more pleasant. When this happens, the results can be difficult and even devastating. (I continue to learn my lessons the hard way – see above.)
When our motivations are sincerely focused on what is best for our spouse and our relationship, then our conversations will become more intimate and our connection will deepen.
After working as a Chemical Engineer for 36 years, Steve Fox took early retirement so that he could focus his full-time attention on helping others to discover how to improve or repair their marriages as well as other family relationships. Steve also helps others begin to “dream” about what will help them become fulfilled in their career and life.
Steve earned an MA in Counseling from LSU and is now a National Certified Counselor and Counselor Intern with Crossroads. He has worked with couples on a ministry basis for over 20 years and has a counseling focus with couples, families, career coaching, and addiction counseling with families.
Steve’s complete bio can be found here.
