The convo everyone wants to have, whether they know how or not.
Do you ever go on a date with your partner or spouse and struggle not to talk about the same old stuff? To-do lists? The kids? The job?
You think to yourself on the way home, “I wish we could talk about something more meaningful and real like we used to. I wish we could go deeper without getting into an argument.”
I hear this desire often from the couples I counsel.
Women often want to go deeper but aren’t sure how to engage their husbands in the process. Men want to go deeper but they don’t want it to go on indefinitely. (I feel like there’s a joke here but I’m too mature to mention it.) Both are worried it could escalate to an argument or might lead them to feeling even more lonely.
Well, fear not, my friends! Here’s a ready-made date night convo for you and your partner that will spark the conversation you’re both desiring.
What to do:
- Print out this blog.
- Set aside some kid-free, uninterrupted time to do this exercise together. Date night in or out, dealer’s choice.
- Look over these lists together. Links are attached if you need more info or want to give things a deeper look.
Note: You may totally hate these lists. You may think they’re archaic or patriarchal. You may feel like you align more with the other gender’s list. You may be in a same sex relationship. None of that matters for the purposes of this exercise. Spend the whole time hating on the list for all I care. You’ll at least spend the whole night feeling aligned on a topic!
What matters is that you’re having an open, guided conversation about what you each need in your relationship.
Convo #1:
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
Top 5 Needs of a Husband:
- Sexual fulfillment
- Recreational Companionship
- An Attractive Spouse
- Domestic Support
- Admiration
Top 5 Needs of a Wife:
- Affection
- Conversation
- Honesty and Openness
- Financial Support
- Family Commitment
Here’s where we start the discussion:
Listen to your partner’s answers without interruption or commentary. Their answers are honest and valid impressions of their own inner life. Believe them! And LISTEN for goodness sake.
- Do you agree or disagree with the given list? What would you add or take away?
- Would you order your list differently? How?
- What need is best getting met for you?
- What need would you want me to focus on?
Go a little deeper and take the assessment here, if that floats your boat.
Round 2!
Needs! Everybody has them. Maybe you can identify your partner’s needs more than your own. This convo will guide y’all in understanding what one another really needs.
Top 10 Intimacy Needs:
- Acceptance – deliberate and ready reception with a favorable positive response
- Affection – to communicate care and closeness through physical touch
- Appreciation – to communicate with words and feelings a personal gratefulness for another
- Approval – expressed commendation; to think and speak well of
- Attention – to take thought of another and convey appropriate interest and support; to enter into another’s “world”
- Comfort (empathy) – to come alongside with word, feeling and touch; to give consolation with tenderness
- Encouragement – to urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal
- Respect – to value and regard highly; to convey great worth
- Security – confidence of harmony in relationships; free from harm
- Support – come alongside and gently help carry a load
Discussion Questions:
Listen to your partner’s answers without interruption or commentary. Their answers are honest and valid impressions of their own inner life. Believe them!
- What needs did your parent(s) do well with? Of the above list, what did you wish you received more of when you were growing up?
- Which need do you think your partner is meeting the most at this time?
- What does your spouse/partner say they think your 3 most important needs are now?
- Do you agree/disagree? What would you say your top 3 needs are now?
- How does having this type of guided conversation make you feel?
- Would you like more convos like this?
Good luck everybody! Let me know how it goes.
