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When Everything Hits The Fan
So you’ve hit rock bottom.
The money you hid. The relationship you had. Your online habits. Whatever. You got found out. Secrets don’t stay hidden forever. The shame has set in and you’re starting to feel…a lot.
Good news: you’re still alive.
Your wife hasn’t left you… at least not yet.
You still have a job, you still have breath in your lungs, and you still have responsibilities waiting for you tomorrow morning. And if those things are still true, then you also still have something else: an opportunity to do something about the situation you got yourself in.
This article is for the husband who knows he’s made some mistakes. Whether that’s betrayal, lies, checking out, or just not showing up the way he should have (maybe all of the above?). That doesn’t mean your wife is perfect or hasn’t played a role in where things are, but right now, this is about you getting to work.
A Simple Framework for Getting Back on Track
Have you found yourself in that situation? You’re probably at a loss for how to get things back on track.
What now?
More good news… There are some practical things you can start doing right away that will help steady the ship. How you show up in therapy, how you handle your time at home, and the kind of support you seek from your bros can all play a big role in pulling your marriage out of its current nosedive.
If you’re reading this, the truth is you’re already doing something important: you’re ready to show up and put in the work.
Take this advice from someone who is more than a little surrounded by therapists. Not only have I been married to one for over 15 years, I’m employed by one and I have been in both individually and marriage therapy for a decade!
PART 1: HOW YOU SHOW UP AT THERAPY
You’re going to need to start couples therapy. You might consider therapy with a mix of skepticism, dread, and maybe even a little embarrassment.
Most guys don’t exactly grow up dreaming about sitting on a couch talking about their feelings in front of a stranger. Feelings? Ehhhh…
But take it from me, therapy will be some of the best time and money you could possibly spend on your marriage.
Do the Pre-Work
The therapy work starts before you actually enter the office.
There are some very simple ways to show initiative that matter more than you might think.
Fill out the intake forms. Send the documents. Confirm the appointment time. Handle the scheduling if you can. Here’s the number to Crossroads if you need to make an appointment today, 225-341-4147.
See! Not that hard.
It may not seem like much, but taking care of those small details communicates something important: that you’re not just going to counseling because your wife forced you to go. It shows that you’re invested in the process.
You’re choosing to be there. You’re choosing to love your wife well and take proactive steps to work on yourself and your marriage.
Couples Counseling Isn’t Just About Fixing You
Sure, what set things on a downward spiral might have been your fault. But there are other contributing factors that have been in motion before the fall.
One thought you might have walking into couples counseling is assuming the entire situation rests on their shoulders. You might be telling yourself, “I’m the problem. I screwed up. I just need to fix myself and everything will be fine.”
That’s not really how marriage works.
It takes two people to start a marriage, and it usually takes two people to break one down over time. That doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for your own mistakes or the baggage you brought into the marriage, but it does mean the marriage itself is something both of you are participating in.
Counseling isn’t a courtroom where it ends with a guilty or not guilty verdict. No one is tracking your wins and losses. So the pressure is off.
It’s more like bringing a car to the shop when something under the hood isn’t working. Both of you are there to figure out what’s actually happening and how to start repairing it.
This isn’t just YOUR counseling. It’s Couples Counseling. You have a voice in the process, and it’s important that you use it. The relationship is the client. Not you. Not your wife.
Show Up Ready to Trust the Process
Some men spend several sessions quietly evaluating whether they trust the therapist or not before they really start opening up.
If the therapist is any good, they’ll probably notice that right away.
Part of their job is earning your trust, but the process moves much faster when you walk in with at least a willingness to engage honestly.
Hit the ground running. You want to eventually get out of there, right?
You don’t have to hand over trust blindly, but you can show up ready to participate instead of sitting on the sidelines scoping things out.
Say the Hard Things
One of the biggest temptations in counseling is to soften the truth or avoid the parts of the conversation that feel uncomfortable.
Do we really have to go there?
Avoiding the hard stuff is what got you into this situation to start with.
If something painful needs to be said, it’s usually better to say it directly in the room where someone trained to navigate those conversations can help guide it.
Therapy works best when the real issues are actually on the table, including the things that feel awkward, embarrassing, or difficult to admit.
You may have heard the phrase, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” Therapy allows you the opportunity for healing and freedom. Your current self won’t believe how great real honesty can feel.
A Moment I’ll Never Forget in Couples Counseling
We were about to start a seven-day marriage intensive after already surviving two full days of couples therapy. At that point I was emotionally exhausted and pretty sure my brain had run out of words. As we wrapped up the session, the therapist looked at me and said, “Now Chad, if there’s anything else, now is the time to say it. We’re not here to waste time.”
Thank God there was nothing left to say.
I had already said everything. I was emotionally tapped out and mentally somewhere between “processing” and needing a nap. But the warning stuck with me. Counseling only works when everything is on the table. Not most things. Not the comfortable things. Everything.
You Might Feel Ganged Up On
At some point during counseling you might have a moment where it feels like both the therapist and your wife are asking questions, looking at you, waiting for answers. Did the scene from “A Few Good Men” with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson come to mind?
Yes. It might feel like that.
The questioning can make you feel defensive quickly.
The therapist is asking questions because they’re trying to understand the full picture. It’s like putting on a headlamp when you take the trash out at night—you’re simply trying to see what’s there so you don’t trip over something in the dark.
If the therapist can’t see the whole situation clearly, they can’t really help.
So be aware, the questions are coming. Take a breath and answer honestly. The therapist can, in fact, “Handle the truth!”
Write Things Down
One practical thing that will help more than you might expect is keeping a journal during the process.
You and your wife are going to have a lot of conversations, a lot of emotions, and probably a lot of moments where you leave a counseling session thinking, “That was really helpful,” or “what was that insight she said?”
Trying to hold all of that inside your head doesn’t work well. Writing things down slows your thinking and helps you process what you’re actually feeling instead of just reacting in the moment.
Pro-tip: bringing your journal or notebook to therapy sessions will help you be more engaged in the process.
Avoid the Parking Lot Recap!
Another thing that can cause tension is what happens after a counseling session ends. Avoid the parking lot recap!
Your wife may want to process the session immediately, while you might need a little time to think before talking about it again. That difference in processing for a man and a woman can easily turn into an argument.
For a lot of men, reflection happens internally before we have words for it. We think through things quietly before we’re ready to articulate them.
There’s nothing wrong with needing that space. Repeat… There’s nothing wrong with needing a little space!
If you’re not ready to respond right away, it’s completely reasonable to tell your wife, “I don’t have a response yet, but I’m thinking about it and I’ll come back to it later.”
Just make sure you actually follow through and come back to it later!
The act of communicating that you need some time to process, actually processing, and then bringing it back up to your wife is a huge trust builder.
Solitude can be healthy when it’s part of the counseling process. Avoidance, on the other hand, usually makes things worse.
Containment Works… Until It Doesn’t.
Most men (and some women) have the ability to contain their emotions and continue functioning even when things are difficult.
We compartmentalize problems, set them aside temporarily, and keep moving forward with work, responsibilities, and daily life.
In some situations, that ability is actually super helpful.
But if compartmentalization becomes just not dealing with it, and we end up keeping the lid on those emotions for too long without ever checking in, the pressure eventually starts to build. And when that pressure finally releases, it usually shows up as anger, defensiveness, or a fight that seems to come out of nowhere. And then… another session with the therapist.
Counseling gives you a supportive place to take the lid off slowly instead of waiting for everything to explode later.
Progress in Counseling Can Feel Slow
Sometimes the counseling process feels painfully slow. You might leave a session, and then another session, wondering if anything actually has changed. But small shifts in how you communicate, how you listen, and how you respond eventually turn into big changes in a marriage.
PART 2: HOW YOU SHOW UP AT HOME
Look for Ways to Serve Your Wife Outside the Counseling Office
Most of the real change in a marriage doesn’t happen during the counseling session itself. The session is where things get talked about and clarified, but the actual work usually happens in the days between meeting with your therapist.
It’s like weightlifting. Sure, you have to lift, but then you have to give your muscles a rest day so they can heal and come back stronger. Except if you’re one of those “no days off” guys, then you’re on your own!
If you’re anything like me, you just want to be told something practical to do! Like what do I do with my hands? Sometimes men simply need something concrete to do while the emotions catch up.
So start small.
- Unload the dishwasher without being asked.
- Take out the trash before it becomes an argument.
- Plan a dinner reservation or an activity together.
- Handle something around the house that usually falls on her to-do list.
Sometimes Action Comes Before Emotion
These are simple things, but during a difficult season when things feel unclear they can communicate something meaningful: “I’m trying. I care about this.”
Most times the heart catches up with the actions.
There are times when things get so tense in our house that I suddenly discover a deep passion for cleaning. I’ll start mopping floors, organizing drawers, scrubbing the tub, or folding the clothes. Sometimes it’s just easier to mop than it is to apologize. But those moments also give me time to process what I’m feeling, calm down, and step back from the emotional ledge before I open my mouth.
Leave the hot topics for the therapy room.
Right now you’re the same version of you that got y’all into this mess. You haven’t built out your coping skills, communication skills, repair skills to be able to handle the big ticket items on your own yet.
Keep a list of things you want to address in the therapy office. Doing this doesn’t mean you’re avoiding. You’re just being wise about not giving the relationship more than it can handle right now.
Hold the burden of managing the list and bringing up the topics in session so your wife doesn’t have to. This is yet another way you can serve her.
Find joy in being in the light.
Keeping secrets feels horrible. You’re at the place where you don’t have to do that anymore. This is such a breath of fresh air both to you and to your wife. So enjoy it. Engage with openness.
Offer updates on your day. Let your wife hear what’s going on inside of you. Offer up your phone without being asked. Make sure she has access to anything that would help her feel safe. Passwords, bank accounts, email, whatever. A little proactive approach goes a long way. She deserves to retire from wondering, worrying, and guessing how you are, what you’re doing, etc.
It won’t be like this forever, but for now: let it be.
PART 3: THE ROLE OF FRIENDS IN CRISIS
Tell Your Friends What’s Going On
This might be one of the hardest parts of the process for a lot of men.
But you need support outside of your wife and outside of counseling sessions.
Let a few trusted friends know what’s going on. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or complicated.
Sometimes it’s as simple as telling a friend, “Hey man, my wife and I started counseling. Just check in on me every now and then.”
Men need other men in difficult seasons, not just to distract us (although there is a time and place for that), but to listen, ask questions, and remind us that we’re not the only ones figuring this out.
Sitting around a fire, training at the gym, in a group text, or going for a long walk just say, “Hey… let me tell you something.”
Don’t Try to Carry This Alone
I’m not sure where I would have been during my seasons of therapy without the support of a few close friends.
Looking back, many of the conversations I had with them ended up uncovering things I later brought into my sessions with the therapist.
Sometimes it takes talking things out with people you trust before you even realize what’s really going on inside you. When you find a good friend, it’s like talking to a mirror that can reflect back what you’re saying about yourself to yourself. What a gift!
Find friends who are willing to help clear the path toward healing, not ones who throw up roadblocks or hide behind sarcasm to minimize the work you’re doing. Those guys suck. You need friends who remind you of your commitments and what’s actually true, especially in this tough season.
All of this is hard work, and no one should try to carry that weight alone. You’re gonna need A Few Good Men.
Some Go-To Phrases from a Friend
As we wrap up, I thought I’d give you a few phrases to keep in your back pocket for those moments when your wife needs to hear something from you and you’re standing there thinking, “I should definitely say something smart right now.” You’re welcome.
- What would feel good for you right now?
- Do you need anything from me?
- If you need to talk/hear more about this later, just let me know.
- I am at capacity. I am out of words. Can we come back to this later?
- I don’t know what I’m feeling but I need a minute.
- I don’t want to be right. I want to be restored.
- I’m not walking away from this.
- Would you like to go get your nails done alone?
Final Thoughts
If you’re reading this, chances are things feel uncertain right now.
This can be a scary place. I’ve been there. I get it.
You are in a hard season, but your marriage isn’t over. In many ways it’s actually the opposite. You have a chance to make your marriage better than it’s ever been.
You have the opportunity to fight. So do it. Fight for your wife. Fight for your marriage. Fight for the most authentic and healthy version of yourself.
Step One: Book a session.
Step Two: Get a mop.
Step Three: Tell a friend.
Take a breath, walk into the room, tell the truth, and do the work.
This is growth.
This is loving your wife.
This is keeping your promises.
You can do this.
I believe in you.
