Recently, I came to a realization about my husband. He is a just enough kind of guy. And me? Well, I’m a little extra.
We had family coming for the weekend and decided to make grilled catfish, potatoes, and green beans for dinner. I had already been to Sam’s earlier that day and purchased two bags of catfish. The only problem was that I left both bags in the freezer at work.
When I got home and realized what I had done, I told my husband I would run to the store later to pick up more fish.
About an hour later, he jumped in his truck and announced, “I’ll be right back. I’m going to get the fish.”
“Great!” I said. “Get two bags of catfish.”
He looked at me and said, “We only need one bag.”
I immediately disagreed.
“No, we need two.”
He proceeded to explain that he had calculated half a pound of fish per person and one bag would be enough. I had cooked catfish from those bags before. I knew what they looked like once they were cooked, and I knew one bag wasn’t going to be enough. But my husband had done the math. And his math said one bag.
I wasn’t backing down. Neither was he.
Before I knew it, we were actually arguing about catfish! As he drove away, I heard myself saying out loud, “We are arguing about stupid fish!” I couldn’t believe it. And what did I do next? I pulled out my phone and Googled how much fish you should calculate per person.
Wouldn’t you know it? His numbers were correct. But I still wasn’t convinced. I knew what I knew! So there I was, rehearsing the entire conversation in my head, thinking about how ridiculous it was that we had just argued over fish.
Eventually, his truck pulled back into the driveway. He brought the groceries inside, and I stayed outside, still stewing over our conversation. He went upstairs, and I eventually settled onto our front porch swing. About thirty minutes later, my phone buzzed. It was my husband. A kissy-face emoji text.
I laughed. But I didn’t want him to know I laughed. I wasn’t quite finished being upset!
So I sent him one of those funny images with a face that says, “Huh?”
And that was it.
Later, we passed each other in the kitchen, exchanged a smile, and went about our evening. No big discussion. No drawn-out argument. Just two people who love each other and had a disagreement about fish.
Just Enough Meets a Little Extra
After twenty-seven years of marriage, I realized something that day that had been right in front of me all along. My husband is a just-enough thinker and I’m a little-extra thinker.
He calculates what we need. I think about what we might need, what someone else might want, and whether we’ll have enough left over for tomorrow. Take a trip to Sam’s with my husband, and you’ll leave with exactly what was on the list. Take a trip to Sam’s with me, and suddenly we’re trying something new, buying something we didn’t know we needed, and getting the largest size they sell!
Neither approach is necessarily wrong.
They’re just different.
And can you imagine how those differences show up in our finances and purchases. I can already hear my husband calculating!
The funny thing is, he didn’t suddenly become this way. He’s been like this since the day I met him. And I have always been a little extra. So why, after all these years, did a couple of bags of catfish become such a big deal?
Because even in a healthy, loving marriage, differences can create friction.
I call these our sandpaper moments.
Every Marriage Has Sandpaper Moments
Think about what sandpaper does. When two surfaces rub against each other, friction occurs. In woodworking, sandpaper can smooth rough edges. Marriage has moments like that.
One spouse likes to plan everything. The other prefers spontaneity.
One wants to talk through a problem immediately. The other needs time to process.
One is careful with spending. The other enjoys being generous with purchases.
One thinks in terms of what is necessary. The other thinks about what might be possible.
Sometimes these differences complement each other beautifully.
Other times, they irritate us.
But here’s something I’ve learned both personally and professionally.
The presence of differences doesn’t mean something is wrong with your marriage.
In fact, when approached with curiosity and respect, differences can strengthen a marriage. My husband’s ability to calculate and think practically brings something valuable to our relationship. My tendency to think ahead, prepare, and have a little extra brings something valuable too.
The challenge comes when we begin believing our way is the right way and our spouse’s way is the problem. That’s when a conversation about catfish becomes something more.
What Are We Really Arguing About?
In marriage counseling, I often help couples look beneath the surface of their disagreements. Because sometimes the argument isn’t really about what it appears to be.
For us, the conversation was about how much fish to buy. But underneath that conversation were two different perspectives. My husband was thinking, I’ve calculated what we need. There’s no reason to purchase more. I was thinking, We’re feeding family. I want to make sure everyone has plenty, and I would rather have leftovers than run short.
Both perspectives made sense.
We just weren’t listening to what was important to the other person.
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we often explore the deeper meaning behind a person’s position during conflict. Instead of simply asking, “Who is right?” we begin asking, “Why is this important to you?” That question changes the conversation.
Imagine if I had said, “I know you’ve calculated it, but having extra food when we’re hosting helps me feel prepared.” Or if I had asked, “What makes buying exactly what we need important to you?” We might have understood each other without digging our heels in.
But that isn’t what happened. And after twenty-seven years, we’re still learning!
The Marriage Before the Disagreement
As I sat on that porch swing, replaying our conversation, I began thinking about how quickly my husband reached out to reconnect. That kissy-face emoji wasn’t unusual for him. When we have a strong disagreement, my husband is often the first one to move toward me.
I admire that about him.
Because while I’m still thinking, rehearsing, and sometimes stewing, he has a way of reaching across the disagreement. And here’s what I realized. It wasn’t the emoji that made everything okay. It wasn’t even about how much catfish he ultimately purchased (which was what I had hoped for).
It was the intentionality of our marriage long before the disagreement ever happened.
We have spent years building a relationship where affection, respect, friendship, and connection are part of our everyday lives.
That doesn’t mean we always agree. It doesn’t mean we never get frustrated. It means we have intentionally developed habits that help us find our way back to each other.
Dr. John Gottman describes small efforts to reconnect during conflict as repair attempts.
Sometimes a repair attempt is an apology.
Sometimes it’s humor.
Sometimes it’s a gentle touch, a smile, or even a kissy-face emoji.
What matters is that one person reaches toward the other, and the other person becomes willing to receive that effort. I may have wanted to stay upset a little longer, but I knew what my husband was communicating.
We’re okay. I love you.
And that mattered more than the fish.
What Are Your Marriage Non-Negotiables?
One question I frequently ask couples in marriage counseling is:
“What are the non-negotiables in your marriage?”
Some couples answer immediately. Others look at each other and say, “I don’t know.” Non-negotiables are the shared commitments that help define how you want to treat each other and protect your relationship.
They aren’t about controlling your spouse. They’re about intentionally deciding what kind of marriage you want to build. My husband and I developed many of ours through conversations that came out of disappointments, concerns, and lessons learned. And believe me, our first year of marriage deserves a blog post of its own!
During our second year, we agreed that we would never use the words divorce or separation as threats during disagreements. Twenty-seven years later, we have honored that commitment. For us, it meant we weren’t going to use the future of our marriage as leverage during an argument. We wanted to create a relationship where disagreements could happen without threatening our commitment to each other.
Of course, no such agreement should ever prevent someone from addressing abuse or protecting their safety.
Another non-negotiable began before we had children. When one of us came home, we greeted each other. Not just a quick hello from another room. We stopped, smiled, hugged, kissed, and let the other person know we were genuinely glad to see them. When our children arrived, we continued that tradition.
It was important to us that our marriage remained a relationship we intentionally nurtured, even in the middle of raising a family.
We also made commitments to respect each other’s extended families and to extend grace when one of us was having a difficult day.
These may seem like small things. But small things repeated over many years become the culture of a marriage.
The Little Connections Matter More Than We Realize
One of the things I teach couples is that a strong marriage isn’t built only during major conversations or romantic occasions. It’s also built in ordinary moments.
The greeting at the door.
The phone call during the day.
The smile across the room.
The decision to listen when your spouse has something to say.
The willingness to offer affection even after a disagreement.
Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of turning toward one another’s bids for connection. These are everyday opportunities to communicate, I see you. You matter to me. When those moments become part of the relationship, they help build friendship and emotional connection. And that connection becomes especially valuable when disagreements happen.
Think of it this way.
If the only time we invest in our marriage is when something goes wrong, we’re constantly trying to repair a relationship we haven’t been intentionally nurturing. But when we consistently invest in connection, we have something to draw from during difficult moments.
That doesn’t eliminate conflict.
It helps us navigate it.
What I Want Premarital Couples to Understand
There is an interesting difference between working with couples who have been married for many years and those preparing for marriage. In premarital counseling, couples are often excited about everything they have in common. And I love that season. But I also want them to understand something important. You are going to discover differences. And differences are not necessarily a bad thing.
You may discover that your spouse approaches money differently.
You may have different expectations about holidays, parenting, family traditions, communication, or how much catfish to purchase!
The goal isn’t to eliminate every difference. It’s to learn how to understand, respect, and work through those differences together.
Sometimes your spouse’s perspective will reveal something you hadn’t considered.
Sometimes your own perspective will help balance theirs.
And sometimes you’ll simply have to agree that you see something differently.
A healthy marriage makes room for two individuals to remain individuals while building a shared life. That requires humility, curiosity, and intentionality. It also requires recognizing that marriage isn’t about winning every disagreement. It’s about protecting the relationship while working through the disagreement.
What Are Your Sandpaper Moments?
Maybe your spouse is the planner, and you’re spontaneous.
Maybe one of you wants to save every dollar while the other enjoys spending.
Maybe one is an early riser, and the other comes alive at night.
Maybe one of you is just enough, and the other is a little extra.
What happens when those differences rub against each other?
Do you become defensive?
Do you insist your way makes more sense?
Do you begin rehearsing everything your spouse said, like I did on the porch swing?
Or can you pause long enough to become curious about the person you married?
Here are a few questions worth discussing together:
- What differences between us tend to create the most friction?
- What is something valuable my spouse brings to our marriage because we think differently?
- How do we usually reconnect after a disagreement?
- What everyday habits help us feel loved and connected?
- What non-negotiables have we established, and what might we need to discuss?
These conversations aren’t just for couples who are struggling. They’re for couples who want to keep growing.
A Little Extra Love for a Just-Enough Marriage
I love my husband. And one of the things I love about our marriage is that after all these years, we’re still discovering things about each other.
We’re still learning.
Still adjusting.
Still having moments when our differences rub against each other.
But we’ve also learned that we don’t have to agree on everything to respect each other. We don’t have to think alike to build a beautiful life together. And we certainly don’t have to turn every disagreement into a battle.
Sometimes we need to listen a little more.
Sometimes we need to laugh at ourselves.
Sometimes we need to be the first one to reach out.
And sometimes we need to recognize that the person sitting across from us isn’t trying to make life difficult. They’re simply seeing the situation through a different lens.
So the next time you find yourself in a sandpaper moment with your spouse, consider asking: What might I learn about the person I love if I stop trying to prove that I’m right?
And don’t forget to nurture your marriage on ordinary days, before the disagreements ever happen. Because those little moments of connection may be exactly what helps you find your way back to each other.
As for my husband and me, he’s still a just-enough kind of guy. And I’m still a little extra. And somehow, after twenty-seven years, we’re still making it work. Although I do wonder what our next trip to Sam’s will look like.
And don’t even get me started on Christmas!
If you and your spouse are navigating some sandpaper moments and need a little help working through them, marriage therapy can be a great place to start. Or, if you’re engaged and preparing for marriage, premarital counseling can help you build a strong foundation for the years ahead.
Crossroads Professional Counseling. We are here for you through life’s journeys! Call today 225-341-4147.
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