• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Crossroads Professional Counseling

Christian Counseling | Baton Rouge + Prairieville

Providing Professional Christian Counseling and Coaching to the Baton Rouge and surrounding areas.

225-341-4147
  • Home
  • Christian Counseling
    • Marriage
    • Individual
    • Family
    • Children and Teenagers
  • Life Coaching
  • Coaching Programs
    • Life by Design Program
    • Career By Design Program
  • Blog
  • About Us
    • Sue J. Miley LPC, MA, MBA
    • Suzanne K. Jones, LPC, MA
    • Cheryl Brodnax, LPC, M.A., M.B.A., M.S.
  • Contact Us

How to Prepare for the “Empty Nest” Years

February 19, 2020 By Steve Fox

Hi! Thanks for visiting! To make life easier, you may want to subscribe free to my Email feed. !

empty nest

A couple I’d been working with reached the end of our work together, and it was time for our closing “graduation” counseling session.  As they walked out of my office afterwards, the wife turned to me and said, “I am so grateful that we have spent this time with you.  I now have hope for our future together…But I feel like we wasted the last 21 years of our marriage.”

This was both encouraging and heartbreaking.  The couple was in their 50’s and had been married for over 25 years.  They longed to recover the closeness and intimacy that they felt during their first four years. And although they regretted “wasting” so many years, they now had (God willing) another 30+ years to experience the closeness!

So what happened after those first four years?  Why is it that almost half of the couples I work with are in their “empty nest” years and want to work on their relationship now?  They long to be free from the patterns that seem to have trapped them for decades.

When and How Does This Begin? 

When we are first married, we are able to simply enjoy the relationship.  We have responsibilities, but we are able to “escape” the details and frustrations of life when we are with each other.  We feel completely loved and are able to focus our love fully with no distractions. It is just “us” and spontaneity reigns.

Then, usually about the same time we have kids, the responsibilities of our careers increase, and we seem to have no time for each other.  We thought we were really busy “pre-kids,” and we wonder, “What in the world did we do in our free time before we had kids?”  We begin to forget what is was like, and our relationship begins to get lost in the busyness of life itself.  

When Do We Notice?

What is especially heartbreaking is many couples do not notice when they begin to drift apart.  Life is filled with homework, soccer, dance, carpool… And when they actually do have time for a date, what do they talk about?  The kids, their homework, their soccer practice, their dance practice, who will drive whom where…“dates” merely become an opportunity to make sure that our schedules work and ensuring none of the kids are left somewhere in the process! 

Often, when the last child leaves the home, everything suddenly becomes quiet – it is just “us” –and we have forgotten how to “do marriage.” The reality of this new phase of life together begins to sink in.  It wasn’t intentional.  We think we still love each other – even though sometimes we feel we don’t like each other.  We no longer know how to experience the safety and closeness we long for.  It’s often replaced by irritation, anger, strong words, or – even worse – long periods of silence.  How sad!

How Do We Start: For Newlyweds or New Parents

The best time to prepare for the kids leaving home is before they are born!  Or at least soon thereafter. Strange as it sounds, this is easiest to talk about before we have any inkling that we might be caught up in these patterns.

Often writing each other a letter describing our relationship and what our spouse means to us provides a type of anchor to our past when it is almost forgotten.  Hide the letters in some type of “time capsule”  for when your oldest is entering adolescence. 

During the Parenting Years:

These are the years when exhaustion sets in.  When between picking up the kids, dinner, baths, and eventually homework precede falling into bed utterly exhausted. Only to be awaken by the pesky alarm clock and begin all over again. 

Our rationale for focusing on the kids makes sense.  We only have 16 years before their desire for separation begins – which coincides with puberty and that “all important” driver’s license.  You may have heard to treasure these years – they are so fleeting.  In the moment, though, there seems to be no end to the cycle of exhaustion.

There’s so much truth behind the saying, “The best way to love your kids is to love your spouse.”  Kids are often more perceptive than we think. They may not know what is wrong, but they can sense tension between parents.

If we thought we were in survival mode when our kids were younger, we are entering a more intense time of stress when they enter puberty.  They often demand, argue, manipulate and bring about many emotionally-draining conversations.

What can we do?  Steal time away from the kids for each other.  Even saying this doesn’t seem right, but it is so true. Our desire is for our kids to have everything they want (or think they want).  After all, we have such a short time with them, and a lifetime left with our spouse. 

But if we do not consistently spend quality time with our spouse, patterns develop that are difficult to reverse 20 years later.   A good way to measure this quality time is by how much we look forward to it and by what we talk about.  Need some help?  Try these questions on a date.  They help to direct our conversations to our relationship – not the details of simply living life.  

Is My Spouse My Priority?

During the parenting years, one or both spouses begin to feel that they are third or fourth on the other’s priority list.  Sometimes the job becomes so consuming that they forget to work on the relationship.  It’s common to receive more positive feedback at work than from their spouse.  Or the children become the top priority for one spouse (often the wife), and the husband begins to feel left out – so he focuses on work . . . and the wife then feels left out of his life.

How do we keep our spouse our priority?  It requires some intentionality – and sacrificing something that is “good” for something that is better – our lifetime relationship.

Some couples commit to three evenings a week for just 30 minutes with no distractions (cell phone, TV, kids) for “us time.” It can be difficult to etch out even 30 minutes a week.  You have to essentially “fight” other priorities for this time.  Otherwise, we won’t realize how much we have lost until it is just “us” after 20 years.

But What if We are Already Empty Nesters?

Many couples are not aware of the challenges in their relationship until the distractions of childrearing have evaporated. Our life slows down.  And we forget how to fill it back up with meaningful relationships – even the relationship with our spouse.

It is not too late!  But it is certainly more difficult.  Talk about your relationship and what you remember it once was – and how you desire to recover that feeling of closeness, safety, and intimacy.

Focus on what YOU can bring to recovering this relationship – not what expectations you have for your spouse.  What are their needs? 
For more resources or to dig deeper, consider reading some of my other blogs that focus on experiencing everything God desires for us in our relationships at https://crossroadcounselor.com/author/steve-fox/

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • Print

Filed Under: Marriage/Couples Tagged With: children, intimacy, Marriage, marriage conflicts, marriage counseling, Marriage Problems, parenting

About Steve Fox

After working as a Chemical Engineer for 36 years, Steve decided to follow his passion and focus on counseling as his second career. He earned an MA in Counseling from LSU and is now a Counselor with Crossroads. He has worked with couples on a ministry basis for over 25 years. His areas of counseling focus are marriage/family, career counseling/coaching, men's issues, and families of those struggling with addictions.

Primary Sidebar

Connect With US

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Blog Categories

  • Anxiety/Depression
  • Career
  • Christian Living
  • conflict resolution
  • Emotions
  • Interpersonal Skills
  • Marriage/Couples
  • Mental Health
  • Parenting/Family
  • Transitions
  • Uncategorized

Visit our Christian Business Coaching Site

Crossroads-Professional-Coaching

Where Christian Values & Good Business Converge

Footer

VISIT OUR CHRISTIAN BUSINESS COACHING WEBSITE

Crossroads-Coach-Logo-in-White

SUBSCRIBE FOR RESOURCES, UPDATES AND ARTICLES

CROSSROADS PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING

8280 YMCA Plaza Dr.
Building 10-B
Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 70810
(225) 341-4147

CONNECT WITH US

Facebook-Icon Google-Plus-Icon Linkedin-Icon Twitter-Icon

Copyright © 2023 · CROSSROADS PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING | Privacy Policy | Privacy Tools

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Reject Read More
Privacy Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT