When things take a negative turn in our romantic relationships, we often feel lost and overwhelmed. After a major relational wound, do you know how to restore connection and repair the relationship?
Overcoming Relationship Hurt is a Process
Emotional healing in relationships takes time and is often a nonlinear journey that requires ongoing intentional effort from both the injured party and the offender. The relationship repair process will naturally look a little different for everyone. But, when major relational wounds occur, the way the offenders respond to the wreckage will fall into three categories of behavior:
- Reinjury
- Neutral
- Healing
Building trust in relationships and truly healing from betrayal can be a demanding process (and often more lengthy than we might want or expect.) We have to understand how important it is to avoid behavior that makes the problem worse. Additionally, we need to know how essential it is to just have a good time with our partners. But, we can’t forget that this can be easily mistaken for false restoration when unaccompanied by the true healing work of relationship restoration.
So, what does this look like?
Let’s Workshop a Relational Wound
Let’s imagine there was a major betrayal within a marriage, such as financial dishonesty. One spouse discovers that the other has secretly racked up some substantial debt through reckless spending and investments. This discovery shatters years of trust, as the betrayed spouse reckons with newfound financial instability and the deceit of their partner. So, how does the offending spouse respond?
3 Relational Wound Behavioral Responses
Reinjury
Reinjury includes any behavioral response to a relationship wound that exacerbates the emotional pain or trauma for the injured party. It’s behavior that only makes the situation worse.
While this type of behavior can sometimes be unintentional, reinjury hinders healing and deepens emotional stress, prolonging the healing process. And, nobody wants that.
Reinjury can look like:
- Leaving out requested information
- Minimizing the impact of choices
- Blaming others and deflecting responsibility
- Being defensive as the injured spouse responds
- Denying the severity of the injury
- Engaging in known trigger behavior
Neutral
Neutral behavior is essentially “leaving the wound alone.” It’s not reinjuring, but it doesn’t positively address the infraction either. It’s neither healing nor inflicting further damage.
But don’t skip it! This neutrality serves an important purpose. Think of it like Switzerland: your relationship wound retreat. This is where you and your partner take a break from the fallout of a relational wound and begin to build trust again. It serves to remind you both that normal moments and life are still available to you. It reminds your body and psyche that you are safe in each other’s presence.
Neutral (leaving the wound alone) can look like:
- Having a good conversation about some other topic
- Enjoying an activity together
- Asking if certain types of physical contact feel ok (like cuddling on the couch)
- Sharing a cup of coffee
- Taking a trip together
Healing
Healing means to bind up the wound. It involves deliberate actions and efforts aimed at emotional recovery and restoration of trust, connection, and well-being within the relationship. There’s no way around it. It’s going to be a lot of work.
Many people often assume that a positive relational experience after a wounding means that the injured partner has moved on. But, this is a common misconception. And, people get into trouble when they assume neutral behavior is doing the healing work. It is not.
What is torn must be actively stitched up. Leaving it alone or “moving on” won’t be enough. Life will continue, but the wound will remain in its initial state, waiting to receive proper attention and care.
You can’t stretch out neutral behavior long enough to make the healing work unnecessary. That is false restoration. This will not be resolved until the offender takes an active role in the binding-up process.
If you are the injured party, be clear about needing both neutral and healing interactions. Toggling between the two will allow a sense of normalcy and hope to re-emerge.
If you are the offending party, make sure you check that what you consider to be “stitching up the wound” is actually being received that way. This communication in itself demonstrates your good faith effort for real and lasting reconciliation.
Healing (binding up the wound) can look like:
- Heartfelt and authentic apologies (Both immediately upon offense and later throughout the healing process)
- Responding to questions with an open demeanor
- Divulging more than necessary about the specifics of your day. (This helps answer doubts before insecurity can even crop up.)
- Suggesting avenues for support via therapy, trusted friendships, pastoral care, etc.
- Coming up with a plan for accountability with someone you both trust.
- Owning the weight of the pain you’ve caused without collapsing into martyrdom or making yourself out to be a victim.
- Allowing/seeking out conversations where your spouse continues to process his/her hurt and healing journey.
- Sharing insights you’ve gained in your own therapeutic work.
Relationship betrayal recovery is a complex journey with challenges and opportunities for growth. Recognizing the impact of your behavior is crucial for rebuilding trust and fostering connection.
If couples embrace this process with patience and perseverance (and you’ll need to because it’s hard work), then you can forge a path toward profound reconciliation and renewed intimacy.
Yes, the steps to reconcile a marriage will likely take longer than you want. But, the beauty and fruit may surprise you.
