An open letter from a person who knows in her heart her relationship isn’t healthy:
I walked in last night and felt the tension as I entered the room. I immediately wondered if I had done something wrong, but nothing came to mind. Still, you started asking if I’d had too much to drink and questioning where I’d been. You knew where I was—I was at my women’s small group, and we didn’t have anything to drink.
The air felt heavy, and my heart sank as I realized I was being accused of something I didn’t do.
Moments like these have become all too familiar, leaving me questioning the nature of our love and why it feels so heavy.
I love you. I do. But it’s hard. I know it’s not supposed to be this way, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. I’ve thought about it a lot and have tried to capture my thoughts and feelings in my journal.
I’ve loved others before, and it wasn’t this hard. Does that mean I loved them more or less? I don’t think it’s about the amount of love—it’s about you and me.
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
I feel like our love is unhealthy. I say “our” because it takes both of us, but at some point, I have to take responsibility for recognizing that no matter what I want or envision for us, this relationship is harmful to me.
Why?
Here are some thoughts from my journal:
- One day you’re affectionate and say nice, complimentary things. Other days, nothing. It’s not that I need constant praise—it’s the inconsistency that disturbs me.
- You pick fights. It feels like you’re looking for tension, even though we’ve known each other so long. Don’t you already know how I think?
- Your words sometimes hide criticism beneath the surface. For example, “She cleans up the house; of course, she makes most of the mess too – ha ha.” But there’s no smile, no warmth—just a sting.
- You point out what I do wrong but rarely affirm me directly. Yet, I overhear you bragging about me to others. Why not tell me? What do you really think?
- I never seem to get the benefit of the doubt. You know me, you know I love you, so why assume the worst? Why get so mad? I don’t intentionally hurt you.
This might sound trivial to some, but to me, it’s not. It’s about constant doubt—doubt about myself, about us, and about whether you truly love me.
Is It Me or Us?
I’m not a paranoid person. I’ve had healthy relationships before. So, if I only feel this way with you, maybe this relationship isn’t healthy for me.
What do I feel?
- Insecure
- Conditionally cared for
- Manipulated
- Used
- Needed…always
- Loved…sometimes
- Controlled?
I don’t want to be controlled. I want mutual love, safety, passion, and care. If you trusted my love, you wouldn’t need control.
What Do I Do?
We can’t decide this together, unfortunately. I must trust my internal compass, even if it doesn’t align with what you want me to think or feel. Here’s what I’ve come to realize:
- Love shouldn’t hurt all the time. If I’m constantly uncomfortable or lacking confidence in our relationship, it’s not God’s plan for me.
- Make a change. This might mean setting healthy boundaries or making a clean break. If it’s me, I need to own that and work on it. If it’s you, I need to step away for both our sakes.
- Don’t settle. God has a plan, and it’s not one of perpetual pain. Change is possible, but it requires honesty and effort from both of us.
- Remember who I am. I am God’s creation, loved and valued by Him. My worth isn’t determined by one relationship.
- Claim what I deserve. If I’ve given my all and the response is still hurt, it’s time to protect my heart. Jesus loves me and calls me to abundant life, not a life weighed down by constant hurt.
Warning Signs of Unhealthy Love | Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
- Do they make you doubt yourself, your decisions, or your worth?
- Are they often angry with you?
- Do you truly trust them? Do they trust you?
- Do they manipulate your words or find reasons to take offense?
If you’re unmarried and struggling in a relationship, consider whether this is the person God has planned for you. If you’re married, don’t assume this is how it has to be. God can bring transformation.
Steps to Take
- Work on yourself first. You can only control your own actions and reactions. Ask God to reveal what’s yours to change.
- Pray for your partner. Only God can change their heart.
- Protect your mind and heart. Focus on God’s truth and reject harmful messages. Pray for protection from Satan’s lies.
- Set boundaries. Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re tools for maintaining health in relationships. For example, discuss with your partner/significant other that any conversation that begins with an attack will not be addressed until it can be discussed respectfully. Or that difficult conversations will be had with a pastor, elder, or counselor assisting.
- Seek counsel. An unbiased Christian counselor can help you see clearly what’s healthy and what isn’t. Or again, sometimes a pastor or elder in your church.
- Cling to Jesus. He doesn’t promise a life without trouble, but He does promise His presence and love.
Final Thoughts
I love you, but I need to love myself enough to seek health. Your love hurts, and I can’t ignore that. I’m choosing to act, for me and for us. Let’s seek help, let’s pray, and let’s trust God to guide us.
If you can’t love me in a healthy way, then I have to let go. Not because I don’t love you, but because I trust God’s plan for both of us.
If you are seeing signs of an unhealthy relationship in your own relationship, I recommend you take a quiet moment to write your own letter. Use this letter as a format to help you organize your thoughts. This type of journaling may give you clarity on the issues in your relationship and help you determine your next steps.
If you would like help, we have Christian counselors available to walk through this with you.
