One day, while having lunch with a friend (who is also a therapist), she offhandedly remarked, “It’s my life’s work not to let my dad’s opinion control how I feel about myself.” This phrase really resonated with me, and I haven’t been able to shake it since.
The concept of “life’s work” or “the work of your life” is a part of your personality that needs ongoing attention and one that has been present in a variety of contexts and stages of life. Think of it like a growth theme that runs throughout the course of your existence, influencing your behavior and relationships.
That quick conversation at lunch has been impactful for me. I thought it might be for you as well. Let’s unpack this concept together.
Key Questions for Reflection:
- Despite what age or stage you are in your life, what’s the issue that always seems to rear its head?
- What’s the area of your character that, if you don’t keep an eye on it, will overtake you and limit your degree of growth or health?
- What does “the therapeutic work of my life” mean?
- And more even importantly, “What is the therapeutic work of *my* life?”
- How does identifying this area impact my life?
Typically, “the work of your life” is associated with a wound that, if left unchecked, will influence your behavior in a negative way. To be able to identify what the therapeutic work of your life is, you’ll need to reflect on some real-life experience. Identifying this area requires you to be firmly in adulthood because you need to have lived enough life to pick out the themes that have been problematic for you over time. Only through this wide-angle lens will you have enough data to reflect back on areas of life that have been problematic for you in multiple stages.
As you reflect thematically over your life, you will notice certain situations or types of people that always entice you to lose your way. These themes will help you as you begin to identify the work of your life.
- Is it a type of boss that always brings out your worst, most argumentative self, leading to disciplinary actions at work?
- Do you hit a point in romantic relationships where you wall up or disengage?
- Perhaps there is a type of friendship that leads you to relax some boundaries that are actually central to your well-being.
- Do you have a tendency to sabotage yourself financially when you get close to meeting your goal?
- Do you find yourself telling partial truths instead of being totally honest when you want to please people?
Our strengths can change depending on the setting and age. It’s our weaknesses that tend to remain consistent despite location or context.
Pro Tip: “The work of your life” has to be an issue that is so honest and raw that admitting it probably makes you cringe a little. “It’s the work of my life to be the best me I can be.” No. Nothing trite can be the work of your life. If it doesn’t make you squirm, you’re not being honest enough with yourself.
Revealing My Life’s Struggles
There’s no way to dress it up. I hate talking about it. I can’t make it sound appealing or even a little funny. It’s just the ugly truth of an area that has plagued me for decades. And, if I don’t keep it in check, it will hurt people I care about and negatively affect my relationships. That by itself makes it worthy of my life’s work.
I’ll share mine with you if you promise to come up with your own. Don’t stop wrestling with how to phrase yours until you want to vomit by how honest and raw it makes you feel. Ick. Sorry, but it’s the only way.
Here we go…
Actually, I think I have two.
I have the one I’ve known for years:
Number 1: The work of my life is to not let my mouth blow things up.
Will I ever get through a year without deeply damaging one of the people I care about the most?
Words are powerful. Sometimes, mine come out faster than I can process their impact on others. And when you add that to the fact that something about the way I speak tends to really stick with people, it can mean I say hurtful things to people that they won’t soon (or ever) forget. So, I need to process first to ensure that the lasting effect of my words is not harmful. Because I really do deeply care about the people in my life, and I truly want to take great care of them, I don’t really have the “luxury” of getting superheated in arguments because I will scorch the earth and not look back (until several hours or days later when all the hurt I caused has set in). Yikes.
The other area of focus is one I’m just coming to grips with after deeper work:
Number 2: The work of my life is to not cater to the most powerful person in the room but instead stay loyal to my own beliefs or to those people with whom I am closest.
And what is more, if I’m not busy catering to power (or the more therapeutic term would be “fawning” as in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), I can sometimes feel compelled to take the most powerful person down. Publicly.
(Gross. This is actually so ugly I cannot believe I’m putting this on the internet.)
If I am honest, I would, and probably have, sacrificed just about anyone to become aligned with the person I feel holds the most authority. This means I would do or say just about anything, good or bad, to gain acceptance from the person I’ve identified as the most powerful. When I am the most powerful person in the room, I don’t have to worry about this willingness to throw anyone under the bus. That’s one reason I work for myself! Problem solved! (Or rather, a problem avoided.)
When I step back from the moment, I can see that this behavior doesn’t come close to matching my values. Yet, at this point in my life, it’s hard to deny the pattern.
Surely, these issues are related to my childhood wounds. I can see how this is about my dad. But honestly, who really cares about the “why” when I’m in the middle of burning the place down? What I have to focus on is, “What am I going to do about it now?”
Both of these issues are a manifestation of my defense mechanisms that I call my personality (or enneagram type…I’m an 8). Regardless, these are the issues that have presented themselves in a variety of contexts over the course of my life. I can’t deny that, and just as importantly, I can’t forget it.
Some examples of other people’s identified work:
- To live in my worthiness without having to prove myself.
- To maintain my sense of self despite opposition.
- To feel okay even without my parents’ approval.
- To not let my early childhood experiences negatively color my current life perspective.
Are any of these familiar? Does this help you discover yours?
And back to me…do you still like me after I told you my worst parts?
You may be asking yourself, “Isn’t it a bad sign if I can identify a theme in my life that has plagued me through the years, but it never really gets better or fixed?”
Well…no.
It’s not a bad sign. It’s just the honest truth.
I would love it if we identified weak areas of our psyche, shored them up, and moved onward and upward. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Unfortunately, that’s just not how life works. The same ways I hurt people in high school are the same ways I can hurt people now. And the flawed ways I saw my younger self still creep into my thinking about myself even today.
The best you can do is clarify what the work of your life is and do your best work around it, all while learning to love yourself anyway.
Several years ago, I heard one of my favorite authors, Dr. Larry Crabb, speak at a conference. He told a story about how he ran into one of his old clients out in public, and she initiated a catch-up. She said, “Guess what?? I’m still as crazy as I ever was when I was seeing you for therapy. But you helped me like myself anyway.”
That makes me smile so much. That’s about as good as we can hope for on this side of eternity. And it is a worthy goal. Understand our weak areas, do some work, and love ourselves anyway.
If this idea strikes a chord with you, or you want help identifying what this work is for you, contact me, and we can set up a time for you to come in!
