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What the Research Actually Says About Raising an Only Child

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Schoonmaker Family Photo

We didn’t set out to be the parents of only one child. We figured we’d have two or three, like everyone else. But after a myriad of medical issues, it became obvious that we wouldn’t be having any more. Raising an only kid? I hadn’t really planned on that. So, as is my way, I set out on a quest to become an expert on the thing that was intimidating me.

My Very Scientific Google Research

My Google search history looked like this:

  • How to raise a high functioning only child 
  • How to raise an only child who isn’t a total weirdo 
  • How to avoid “only child” syndrome 
  • How not to screw up my only child

Honestly, I never found much in the way of boots-on-the-ground research or helpful insights. Just the idea that only children are “firstborns on steroids.”

The only thing I knew for sure is that I didn’t want our family to have a flat org chart, “three amigos” vibe (though that is a fantastic movie).

I asked a friend of mine from college how his parents raised a well-adjusted only son, because 1) he’s super normal, 2) has a great career, and 3) has the cutest little family. That’s a total win for anybody, let alone an only child. He told me a few things that didn’t make a lot of sense, and then the simple act of me asking the question sent him on a therapy journey about his family of origin wounds. Not off to a good start in my research.

So I Went Looking for Answers

Turns out we weren’t as alone in this as it felt at the time. About one in five American households with children have only one child, according to Pew Research Center, a sharp rise from the much larger families of a few decades ago. The one-child family is one of the fastest-growing family shapes in the country. That didn’t make my search history any less unhinged, but it did make me wonder why so little useful research seemed to exist for something this common.

So I did what I do when I feel overwhelmed by something: I researched the heck out of it.

The Only-Child Stereotype Doesn’t Hold Up

Turns out, there really is more research than I found the first go-around, and it doesn’t match the general public’s perception of only kids. The stereotype most of us are working from, that only children are lonely, socially stunted, or somehow behind, doesn’t hold up. Researchers Denise Polit and Toni Falbo combined the results of over a hundred studies on only children and found them comparable to their peers across most personality measures, including friendship quality. That’s true in childhood, and it’s still true once they’re adults.

What About Social Skills?

There is a real gap, but it shows up earlier than you’d think and closes faster than you’d expect. Sociologists Donna Bobbitt-Zeher and Douglas Downey at Ohio State studied over 13,000 middle and high schoolers using national survey data and found that while kindergartners without siblings showed a modest social skills deficit, that gap disappeared by adolescence. When the kids in their study were asked to name their friends, only children were nominated just as often as everybody else. Bobbitt-Zeher’s take was that structured activities like sports, scouts, and youth groups give only children the same social practice a sibling would otherwise provide, and that gap closes on its own by the time other kids are catching up on it too.

So if you’re standing in a kindergarten pickup line worrying that your kid’s lack of a built-in sibling sparring partner is going to cost him socially for life, the research says give it a few years. It works itself out.

Speaking of school, the summer before sixth grade, we called it “comeback school” because we felt like his comeback game was weak and he needed a little thicker skin to survive middle school. I have no data on whether it helped. He’s alive and he’s quick with the zingers now, so let’s call it a win.

What Actually Helps

Here’s what the research actually says on only children:

Warmth, Expectations, and a Little Space

The parenting style that predicts the best outcomes for only children is authoritative parenting: high warmth combined with clear, reasonable expectations. A study of only-child families found they’re already more inclined toward this style than families with multiple kids, likely because of how much one-on-one time gets built in by default. That time investment is a real asset. But it comes with a real risk too. That same concentration of attention can slide into overprotection: over-involvement, constant monitoring, a kid who feels controlled rather than supported. A systematic review of the overparenting research pulled from more than thirty studies and found it consistently linked to worse emotional and behavioral outcomes, largely because it gets in the way of the autonomy and sense of competence kids need to actually thrive.

The corrective isn’t complicated, even if it’s not easy. Let your expectations travel through warmth instead of pressure. Kids do better internalizing what you hope for them when it comes wrapped in a secure relationship, not backed by fear of disappointing you.

Give Them Plenty of Places to Belong

Because only children don’t get the built-in social friction of a sibling fighting them for the remote, be deliberate about getting them into structured peer environments early and often. This isn’t just a nice idea. It’s the same mechanism Bobbitt-Zeher pointed to: team sports, clubs, youth groups, and church programs do the social work a sibling relationship would otherwise provide, and they’re a big part of why the kindergarten gap closes by adolescence in the first place. If you want your only child to catch up socially on the same timeline the research describes, this is the lever you actually have.

The Hard Parts, Research or Not

Some of these hardships won’t show up in a research abstract. They’re real anyway.

Every First Is Also a Last

Every big milestone is also the last time. One shot. One experience. No learning from your mistakes with the oldest and doing better with the youngest. You have an 8-year-old and then a 9-year-old, and you’ll never have another 8-year-old again. You get one pass through, and then it’s over.

The “Only Child” Label

Social stigma is real too, or at least it feels real. Especially when he was younger, I’d hear well-meaning parents say to their kids, “take it easy on Sam, he’s an only child,” about things that have nothing to do with siblings at all. Even the compliment, “he doesn’t act like an only child,” lands a little backhanded. Here’s where I’ll push back on myself with the data I found. The stereotype behind that comment isn’t supported. Polit and Falbo’s review found only children scored as well or better than kids with siblings on self-esteem, leadership, and achievement motivation. Whatever “acting like an only child” is supposed to mean, the research doesn’t back it up as a real deficit.

When All the Parenting Pressure Lands on One Kid

Everything feels like more pressure, too. If you have six kids and one turns out to be a bit of a mess, you’re still a great parent with a solid track record. “I’ve got one weirdo, but just look at the other five.” When you have one kid, all of your parenting attention lands on a single person, and I’ve never met anyone who thrives under that kind of magnification.

And, since we’re being honest: when both parents get sick and die, your only child doesn’t have a sibling to share that weight with. This is the harder-edged finding in the research too. Bobbitt-Zeher and Downey analyzed data from 57,000 U.S. adults and found that each additional sibling a person grows up with is associated with a small drop in the likelihood of divorce, roughly 2 to 3 percent per sibling. They think it has something to do with less built-in practice at shared decision-making growing up. It’s a modest effect, not a verdict, but it’s honest, and it’s part of why we’ve leaned so hard into cultivating close family friendships. My closest friends’ kids will be there for my son the way siblings would be, because they love us too. If you have siblings, that load gets shared with people who’ve known you your whole life. We’re trying to build that same thing on purpose, since it won’t happen by accident.

What We Actually Got Right

Here are some of the best things about only having one kid, and it turns out the research backs up every one of them.

There Are Some Pretty Great Perks

Everyone likes hanging out with you still. Friends without kids don’t mind if you bring your one kid. Friends with kids don’t mind one more in the mix.

More trips. More experiences. Fewer stretched resources.

More time to pursue your own passions and goals.

A genuinely fantastic parent-child connection, which multiple studies point to as one of the most consistent advantages only children carry into adulthood.

Every Family Has Its Own Version of Different

It feels true that every family has something that makes them unique. Everyone has something that makes them feel like the odd one out. I was raised in a pastor’s family, and God knows that comes with its own quirks. Raising a child when you hear people’s childhood wounds for a living is its own kind of head trip!

We all carry some version of “different” into parenting. The research on only children ends up landing in the same place my gut did years before I found any of it. It comes down to the quality of connection you build with your kid. Family size isn’t the deciding factor. The home you build around whatever family you have is.

A few sources, if you want to dig further:

About Allison Schoonmaker

Allison Schoonmaker serves the Greater Baton Rouge area, counseling clients dealing with relational distress and communication problems, codependency, anxiety, depression, sexual issues, affair recovery, blended family difficulties, dissatisfaction with singleness, adult survivors of childhood trauma, spiritual development, stress management and other issues.