From a young age, I knew I didn’t have a traditional family. It was always my Nanny (aunt/godmother) and me. She played the roles of my mother and father. To me, that was my normal. But the older I got, the more questions I would receive about my birth parents.
My answer was always the same; “They are in my life, but I live with my Nanny.” And I always got the same response, “Why?” As a kid who only knows how to be blunt, this was my response, “Because my parents are alcoholics and drug addicts.”
I was never ashamed or embarrassed about that truth because I knew that my parents’ decisions were not my fault. But fast forward to my adult life, and I wonder how I even began to have a relationship with them. The only answer is to turn to God for wisdom.
For those who struggle to have any sort of healthy relationship with their parents, this blog is for you. It is a difficult road when there has been a lot of pain and misunderstanding, and I am currently on that journey. So, how do we begin to balance a complicated relationship with adult children and parents?
You Are Not Alone
The first thing I have had to understand is that this is not unusual; it’s common for adult children to have complex relationships with their parents for many reasons.
The second thing I had to understand was that it would be complicated, but the Bible and God’s words can help us navigate our relationships. Here is what the Bible says to us:
Practice Forgiveness
Prepare to forgive/overlook faults from the past and present.
Words and Actions can cause many issues, but Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
Now, this can be difficult to do when there are a lot of painful actions and words from your parents. It was hard at first to overlook the actions of my parents, but I soon realized that when I did, there was a heavyweight that lifted off of me.
Don’t Run From Confrontation
If your parents sin against you, it may be time to confront them.
When their actions continue to affect you negatively and conflict with your relationship with God, it’s time to address them. Always pray and ask for God’s guidance through the conversation. Plan what you will say; don’t rush into the conversation.
The most important thing is to go into the conversation to be reconciled, forgiving them as Christ forgave you.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
– Ephesians 4:31-32.
Set Healthy Boundaries
It may be necessary to have limits on your relationship with your parents, but always continue pursuing peace. When you have done all you can, but your parents continue to push your boundaries, it is appropriate to limit your parents.
That can mean several things. For me, that means I need to remove myself from my mother’s life temporarily until I understand the weight of her actions. But I need to continue to seek peace so that one day, our relationship will be better.
An excellent method is to seek counsel from church leaders or counselors.
“Where there is no guidance, people fall, but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety.”
– Proverbs 11:14.
I have a long journey to get to a good place with my parents, but with the help of God’s guidance, I know it is possible. If you are struggling with your relationship with your parents, I encourage you to begin that journey.
