Change the Way You Talk to Yourself

Dealing with your negative self-talk. 

Imagine this: You are home by yourself, painting an accent wall in your living room. You trip over the drop cloth and paint sloshes out of the can and all over your floor. 

What do you say to yourself?

Have you found yourself in this situation?  You’re in a business meeting at work with multiple departments present and your boss looks at you and says, “did you finally finish that project you said you would do last week?”

What is the first thought that crosses your mind?

Maybe you can relate to this. You’re at a restaurant for a girls night out and everyone is having a great time. Towards the end of the night, you say a joke that didn’t get much of a response. No one laughed. 

What are you telling yourself on the way home? 

Do your thoughts sound anything like this?

You shouldn’t have made that joke… Everyone thinks you’re a bad person now. No one thinks you’re funny and they probably won’t invite you out next time… You’re a failure at your job because you don’t finish anything on time. You’re actually a failure at life and you’re stuck at this job forever… Why try anything creative? You’re just going to screw it up like everything else. 

We’ve all been there in one capacity or another. Beyond acknowledging our limits as humans, we speak unkindly to ourselves, often name calling or demeaning ourselves.

Here’s what you need to understand: there’s another way to speak to yourself.

Let’s dive a little deeper and look at four things that impact this practice of negative self-talk. 

1. What is motivating you to engage in this destructive practice?
2. Why is it destructive?
3. What does it specifically sound like when you do it?
4. How could you change the way you speak to yourself?

What’s the motive?

The reasons people engage in negative self talk are many and varied.

• Maybe it’s familiar to you. Is this what you heard from your parents growing up?
• Do you use it as a means to motivate or push yourself? (Like a coach motivates his or her players)
• Maybe you use it as a means to shame yourself. (Because you are comfortable in the role of both victim and persecutor.)
• Perhaps you negatively compare yourself to others, their accomplishments, possessions, etc.
• Some utilize negative self-talk to engender positive reinforcement from someone else (spouse, coworker, teammate, etc.) 

Why is it destructive?

Most of us are guilty of negative self-talk quite frequently. It might be so commonplace to you that you don’t even understand the drawback. First off, it’s taking a toll on your self-esteem. It’s also bleeding over in how you speak to or view others (and how others are viewing you). Additionally, it’s increasing your stress hormones and setting off a cascade of physiological responses. 

But ultimately, it’s just unkind and likely untrue. It’s not a helpful means of change or motivating yourself in a prolonged way. 

As simple as it may seem, if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. To put it another way, if we are meant to love your enemies, that may start with loving yourself.

• Those who use the negativity to spur themselves on may think that since the motive is motivation there isn’t a downside.
  • I usually don’t mix in with highly productive people’s recipe to success, but if you feel like intensely talking down to yourself is the secret to your competitive edge, consider what all you could accomplish if you liked yourself!
• Comparison to others or to your former self.
  • How you used to look. Your coworker’s commission check. The opportunities for comparison are limitless if you’re looking for them.
  • One drawback here is that it sees all of life as a zero sum game. There is normally enough success to go around. The resources are not nearly as limited as they seem at the moment.
  • Positive change or “leveling up” comes best from a place of health and stability, not from raking yourself over the coals.
• Perfectionism.
  • Shaming or Shoulds.
    • Maybe there isn’t a clear motive, but you tend to keep a running tab of all the things you should or shouldn’t have done in a given setting or day. No matter what you’ve accomplished, earned, or marked off your to-do list, you feel like it should have been more.
      • You should be a better Christian/mom/employee/businessman than that.
      • “I can’t believe people think you’re smart.”
      • Shaming and shoulding on yourself is very unkind. It doesn’t spark energy or joy. It sparks stress and negativity. 
  • Name calling yourself.
    • I’m convinced if I could hear some people’s name calling of themselves, it would peel my eyelids back.
      • You stupid idiot, I can’t believe you said that.
      • You’re never going to get ahead if you can’t stand up for yourself better than that, you wimp.
      • The list is seemingly limitless for this long list of colorful, degrading names.
      • Again, it’s important to be kind to your enemies. Even if your enemy is yourself. 

Here are some ways you can break the habit:

• Discover whose voice you’re imitating.
  • Are you re-enacting what was spoken to you when you were younger? A parent, teacher, or coach perhaps?
• Catch yourself in the act.
• Say something balanced and reasonable.
• Changing your self-talk usually looks like this:
  • Something goes wrong, you start with the usual negative tape. Then, you remember this blog or what your therapist said about talking down to yourself, and you think, “I think I’m supposed to be nicer to myself.”
  • Next time, something goes wrong again, and you remember towards the end of your negativity that you don’t have to do it, and you say something reasonable instead.
  • The next time you tear into yourself, you remember sooner to change the tape out, and it feels less like a stretch and more plausible that it could feel more normal.
  • Over time, you think to switch to the reasonable tape sooner, or retire the negative tape entirely.

Here are a few examples of changing the negative self-talk tape to a more balanced self-talk, just to get your wheels turning:

• Replace
  • Instead of a “should,” use a “could.”
  • “I should have closed that deal with the potential buyer.” vs. “Next time, I could try that other tactic that my boss suggested and see if the sale goes differently.”
• Appreciate vs evaluate.
  • Sure, you could keep a mental list of how your body has changed over the last 20 years. (See how that goes!) \
  • What if you could notice changes instead of judge the changes?

I hope this helps you understand your self-talk better, and see how you can take steps to improve it. If you feel like you need more help in this area, you’re likely a great candidate for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. This therapy helps you break down your self-talk more specifically and understand the themes at play. 

Like any new skill, changing the way you talk to yourself won’t happen overnight. Stick with it, trust the process and ask for support if you need it!