Honest Assessment: Does the behavior match the goal in dating?

Part 2: Dating

True love! It’s what everybody wants. Right?? 

Most single people I know say they want to find their person and begin their happily ever after.  But I often wonder if everyone who says that truly desires it. Why would I say something like that? Because I look at people’s behavior and see if it lines up with their goal, that’s why!

Maybe it’s time for some to take an honest assessment of what’s really going on.

Why would someone say they want to find love but not actually desire it?

• Some may feel like they are “supposed” to desire love, as society encourages. 
• Others may like the idea of being married but haven’t done the work of healing to the point where they could be in a healthy relationship.
  • Healing might need to be from attachment wounds, abuse, etc.
• People may like the idea of being married but haven’t learned what skill they’re lacking and how to hone it.
  • This might be things like addressing insecurities, communication skills, how you present yourself, etc.
• Still others like the idea of marriage without the uncertainty and anxiety that comes from the dating process. 
• People can like the idea of marriage but down deep, the idea of being that close to someone really scares them.
• People may engage in the same destructive behaviors, keep up the same fruitless patterns that will not lead them to their stated intention of marriage.

Don’t only listen to the words people use. Behavior tells the truth.

So where does this fall apart for people?

• If you say you want to find a romantic partner, but what you’re looking for in a partner makes your potential dating pool so small that it’s basically non-existent, you don’t really want to find someone.
  • You are paralyzed by fear. 
  • You want to participate in the cultural fixation of dating without actually risking anything.
• If you say you want to find a romantic partner, but after years of no success, you haven’t changed any of the major logistics of your life, you don’t really want to find someone.
  • You like your life and don’t want to give up your comfort and control. And that’s FINE. 
  • Just make your stated goal the same as your behavior.
  • If you aren’t catching any fish in your current location, change locations. (Or admit you aren’t hungry.) What are you waiting on??
• If you say you want to find a true life partner but you keep on dating the same type of person, iteration after iteration, you don’t want a life partner.
  • You want to recreate the relationships that have wounded you so you can try to get a good outcome.
    • This is called repetition compulsion.
    • It might be a parent, sibling or early romantic partner.
  • More than a partner, you need a therapist…and to listen to your truth-telling friends.

Does the behavior match the stated goal? If not, change one of them! It’s ok to desire a relationship. It’s ok to not desire a relationship, either now or ever. Be honest with yourself about your actual goal or create new behaviors, systems, preferences or options to align your behavior with your goal. It’s not necessarily easy but it’s not as complicated as some make it seem.