A quick guide to maintaining adult friendships in the new year.

Yesterday I had a cancellation for my 11:30 session. I thought about a sandwich I like to eat and my friend who introduced me to it. I picked up the phone and called her.

Her: Hey. What are you doing?

Me: Do you want to go to lunch?

Her: Sure. Where?

Me: New York Bagel.

Her: On Jefferson?

Me: Yep.

Her: Leaving now.

Me: Ok bye.

From start to finish: 14 seconds.

We sat down, ate and talked about nothing of importance. Sometimes we do. But this time was just general chit chat and cutting up. Right when we were done eating, she got a phone call from her daughter’s school, and told them that she’d be by soon to pick her up. Besides now having a sick kid, she had a deposition. And I had another client followed by carpool pickup. The party’s over. Peace out. This was great. See you soon.

This is grown adult friendship.

If I had a nickel for every time someone said to me, “I’m just not good at keeping in touch with people…” You know who is good at keeping in touch with people? Those of us who want to be. I’ve seen (and laughed) at the meme’s about adult friendship being about sending each other Instagram posts while on the toilet. And I admit that adult friendships have certain difficulties and limitations. But I am still a believer that deep and lasting friendships really make the world go around. 

Your family, your mate, your kids…of course these relationships are chiefly important. But there’s nothing like a good lifelong friendship. If you’ve got a deep friendship, they’re going to see you through life’s seasons like none other. Your friends know the dirt on you from college, stand next to you at your wedding, throw your kid a high school graduation party, and will even stand next to you at your spouse’s funeral and then plan how to escape from your shared nursing home so you can go to the boat in peace.

Let’s demystify adult friendship skills.

Here are a few pointers if you want to reinvigorate this area of your life:

1. If you’re easy to let go, you’re easy to pick up.
   • Got a work call coming in? Answer it! 
   • Gotta hop off because carpool started moving? See ya later, loser. 
   • If people know you’re easy to say goodbye to, they’re more likely to pick up the phone when you call. 
2. Quantity over quality but quality sometimes.
   • The elevation of the importance of “quality time” kills adult friendship. Adults very rarely have a good chunk of quality time to give.
   • The duration of the friendship is the marathon, but the interaction of adult friendship is a sprint.
   • When you have extended time, be intentional! When you don’t, brief connection still counts and fosters friendship.
3. Keep their name safe.
   • This seems like it goes without saying, but just in case not: BE CONFIDENTIAL. 
   • Be an unfriendly place to hear unkind words about your friends. Don’t talk poorly about my friends around me because it will get awkward quickly.
4. When you think it, text it.
   • You know who’s ever been mad to get a random, “Hey…how are you? I was just thinking about you. Hope you’re doing great!” from a friend they don’t hear from often? LIterally no one. It’s not weird. It’s fun. Don’t overthink. Just do it.
   • Hey I just finished this book/show/song/podcast and I think you might like it.
   • You don’t really have to have a big reason. It’s quantity, not only quality, remember?
5. Be willing to pop-in and to welcome pop-ins.
   • My threshold for worrying if I will inconvenience people is…basically non-existent.
   • You’re folding laundry? Let me help. You’re about to run errands? I’ll tag along.
6. Cook extra.
   • Maybe not weekly but more than monthly, I send one or more people, “Hey we made too much food. Want to come over for dinner?” 
7. Spend some money.
   • Your out of town or across town friend is sick? Send them dinner.
   • Somebody got a raise? I’m sending flowers to work. 
   • See a greeting card that made you laugh when you’re at Walgreens? Send that joker to someone as dark and twisty as you.
   • Be extra. Who cares? Who doesn’t like to get mail or a delivery?
8. Put important things on your calendar and check-in about them.
   • Kid’s MRIs
   • Death-aversaries
   • Work presentations
   • This is so simple yet so big.

Surely I have missed some fantastic friendship skills but that’s what’s great about friendship. You’re not always going to hit all the notes all the time, and that’s ok. It’s the efforts that count, so make them when you can.