How To Keep Going With a Broken Heart

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Fortunately, there are only a couple of times I can remember in my 60 years when my heart felt broken. To me, the definition of heartbreak is multifaceted. As a counselor, even though heartbreak is not in the DSM-5 manual of mental disorders, I can list the many symptoms:

• A feeling of heaviness in your chest where it feels so tight you wonder if you can still breathe.

• Physical lethargy where you are sleeping all the time or can’t sleep but are completely exhausted.

• Physical symptoms of headache, racing heart, and lightheadedness.

• Mental symptoms of brain fog, inability to concentrate, and constant rumination on the focal point of the heartbreak.

• Feelings of depression – lack of interest in things you once were interested in, no appetite, feelings of hopelessness, and dread.

• Feelings of anxiety – nervousness, agitation, and feelings of a panic attack at any time.

• Rapid cycling of emotions from mad to sad to frustrated in a few seconds.

In the counselor’s handbook, the DSM-5, a disorder becomes clinical when the symptoms begin to affect your functioning at work, at home, or school. When we are heartbroken, it isn’t easy to function in all of life.

But, unfortunately, life does go on, and we need to move forward, with or without a broken heart.

Is it even possible?

Why Platitudes Don’t Help

The thing about a broken heart is that it is uniquely personal. No two are exactly alike. But the people around you who still need you, love you, and want to help you, try to give advice or empathy.

But none of us wants to hear:

– “It’ll be okay, just give it time.”

– “They must not have been right for you then.”

– “Just fake it ’til you make it.”

Or any other platitudes that people who love you say—because it viscerally hurts them to even sit with you in this for a few minutes.

There are many forms of heartbreak. A few you may have experienced:

• A romantic breakup or divorce.

• A significant rift with a close friend or family member.

• Being disenfranchised from a group of friends or our community.

• Even a church breakup.

I have experienced a few of these:

….breaking up with my first college boyfriend. I married the second one so I wouldn’t have to go through that again.

… a couple of friendship betrayals that there was no coming back from.

….and becoming a Christian late in life, I was truly heartbroken when my church had a complete division, and most of the church left. We all went our separate ways…this was like losing family to me.

Whatever the hurt, for you, it is life-crushing, but you have to go on.

• You can’t afford to lose your job.

• Your kids still need to get to school on time and eat dinner.

• And your friends and family need you, and they need you to be okay.

When heartbreak becomes clinical, it is hard to care emotionally. But intellectually, we know we are taking a match and lighting gas on our already tattered and torn state of being. We must move forward, or we will make things worse.

So how do we do this?

Here are some perspectives and tips that may help you move forward, while still healing.

Seeing the World Keep Turning (Change your paradigm.)

Although this feels like a slap in the face at first, it is actually a sign that the remaining part of your life is still intact and functioning. Your heart is broken, and you may not be able to repair the relationship that broke it.

However, suppose you jump back into any of your other roles and see that nothing has changed there. In that case, it reminds you that you have an identity and life outside of your role in this relationship.

It’s a paradigm shift to be sure, but you have nothing to lose.

You can return to the other facets of life functioning and be comforted by the fact that you can still feel your feelings later. It isn’t stuffing or compartmentalizing; it is being in the moment. It doesn’t have to minimize your emotions. It just tells them that these emotions don’t fit the current setting and that it is okay to be okay during certain parts of the day when you must fulfill other roles.

I know I should have saved this for last, but honestly, if you can change your mindset, this could be the most helpful.

Get It All Out First

Before you proceed, this part is crucial.

Heartbreak is so internal.A path leading directly through (not around) a challenging landscape

We all wish we could just cleanse ourselves.

If you’ve ever lost someone—through death, divorce, or just a relational rupture—then you know the memories inside become a minefield.

The best way I know to get it out is to journal or talk to someone.

What do I do? I write every single memory I can pull out.

I write about the good times. The hard parts. The frustrations. The what-ifs. The now.

There may be absolutely no conclusion or action step that comes from this process. It is just pure catharsis.

Not sure where to begin? Try:

– “What hurts the most right now?”

– “What memory keeps hitting me the hardest?”

Start there. Let it come out unfiltered.

Pray for God to Heal Your Heart

This one can feel complicated.

Most of us pray for the relationship to be fixed. We want it restored. We want the person back.

I get it, I’ve prayed that prayer too.

But I’ve also learned to pray that God would heal my heart. And I pray for reconciliation only if it’s God’s plan.

Because sometimes, what we want back would only hurt us more.

At the point of relational breach—true heartache—emotional trust is hanging by a thread or non-existent. It is so hard not to self-sabotage a fragile reconciliation.

BUT, if it is God’s plan, He will help you and the other person navigate the sabotage and steps backward. It is hard when we are hurting so much, but even when all trust feels gone, we must remember that God is still trustworthy. And always will be.

Replace Rumination With Small, Positive Steps

This may feel impossible in the beginning, but even one small act can shift the tiniest bit of weight off your heart.

Try things like:

• Sit and pray while watching a sunrise.

• Work out and release your anger. Ball slams help. So I’ve heard.

• Splurge on the softest blanket. The reward for going to work? Crawling back under it.

• Watch a string of dumb, funny sitcoms.

• Eat cake.

Whatever helps. And if you don’t know yet what helps? That’s okay too. Try something.

Focus on Your Relationship With God

When everything else feels broken, this relationship still stands.

When life and love are in chaos, and I am sick… sick of my life, sick of myself… when I just don’t know what to do…

I focus on my relationship with Jesus.

There are so many benefits:

– a reprieve from myself

– practice being in a relationship that is not about performance

– being reminded of what healthy love looks like

This relationship can heal my heart, but also give me the strength to grieve and participate in my healing. Suppose I end up in another unhealthy relationship of any kind. In that case, it motivates me to not settle for less, to not participate in dysfunction, and to seek His way.

Let Healing Be the Goal—Not the Outcome

You may be thinking:

• How do I survive the betrayal?

• Why did I let them treat me this way?

• What could I have done differently?

• How do I get them back?

• How do I make this good again?

But the truth I keep coming back to is this:

No matter what happens next, the answer is still the same—heal.

You need to heal your heart to be whole again. To be you again.

The “healthy you” is the one they were drawn to.

The “healthy you” doesn’t self-sabotage.

The “healthy you” can move forward, with or without reconciliation.

And if it doesn’t work out?

You’re stronger. You’re more grounded in God.

And you’ll be better prepared for what comes next.

You Are Not Alone in This Fight

You are tired. You are hurting. I know you don’t feel you have the energy for this.

But the only way to heal is through it.

And you are worth fighting for. You have to fight for yourself.

But the one thing you will never have to worry about is: you will not be doing this alone.

Jesus is right there with you every step of the way. He never stops fighting for you.

If we trust Jesus, we can let go of our shame and forgive ourselves for whatever we may have done to hurt the relationship or hurt ourselves. We can repent as part of the healing process. And forgive ourselves like Jesus does

And we move forward—one step, one tear, one prayer at a time.