When we are born, we are each given a vessel to contain the things that happen in our lives—the good and the bad, the monumental and the common things that happen to us all. Sometimes, life pours a lot into the vessel at once, and sometimes, it only gives a few drops at a time. Some people’s vessels seem to be as tiny as a Dixie cup, and some people’s vessels seem to be a virtually bottomless Big Gulp.
Your vessel can hold everything life throws at you…until it can’t anymore. When it gets full, we don’t get a bigger vessel, we don’t get to dump the contents out and start over, and we don’t get to discontinue deposits into the vessel.
So what happens when your vessel is full but life keeps happening?
When we reach that point, we begin to overflow.
Overflow behavior can take on various forms, ranging from the relatively benign to the more nefarious. Crying. Fighting. Mood disorders. Lying. Workaholism. Gastrointestinal problems. Addictions. Endless scrolling. Auto-immune issues. Headaches. Verbal abuse. Pornography. Physical abuse. All the overs: Over-spending. Over-drinking. Over-scheduling. Over-eating. I could go on but you get it.
In general, we call these numbing or escaping behaviors.
These things aren’t the problem. They are a symptom of the problem. A symptom that life has handed you more than you have the capacity to hold.
As overflow tends to be, overflow behavior gets messy. The impact of numbing and escaping behaviors is a relational and practical mess.
So, What Can You Do?
What can you do when your vessel reaches its max? Or better yet, is there anything you can do before it gets to that point?
Here’s what “dealing with it” might look like:
There are two main pathways for managing your vessel:
- Things you can do on your own.
- Things you can do with a therapist.
Things you can do on your own
Increase support
For crying out loud, let someone know what’s going on! As much as your people love you, they’re not mind readers. And if you don’t let someone in, you are not going to get the support you need. A simple text of “Hey, I’m pretty overwhelmed right now and could probably use a little extra checking in this week” is a great place to start.
Self-care and Coping Skills
Self-care and coping skills are part of a continuum. The behavior or activity is often the same or similar. If you have margin in your vessel, self-care helps maintain it. If your vessel is at capacity, coping skills are more intentional and targeted self-care that restore some margin.
Self-care
Routine and regular self-care are like a superpower because activities that help you care for your soul help the deposits into the vessel be as minimal as possible. (I say “as possible” because there’s no way to stop the impact of life altogether.)
Healthy Coping Skills
There’s a case to be made that numbing and escaping behaviors ARE coping skills, but they’re not healthy ones. Eventually, they’re going to cause more problems than they solve. When you are desiring to get rid of an unhealthy coping strategy, you’ve gotta add one or two healthy ones in to fill up the space. What doesn’t need to happen is that you let go of an unhealthy coping strategy and then just white knuckle life without any scaffolding around to support you. You deserve to be treated better than that! Always be willing to try out a positive strategy until you curate your list of what works best for you.
Healthy coping skills can help manage stress and prevent burnout.
They can look very different from person to person, but ultimately, healthy coping skills are things that help you reconnect with yourself.
- Breathing exercises.
- Journaling.
- Taking a walk.
- Calling a friend.
- Taking a shower.
- Petting your dog.
- Meditation.
- Exercise.
A word on frequency: if you work out twice a week as part of your self-care strategy, bumping up the frequency might be needed for it to “do the trick” in high-stress times.
The Role of Therapy
Counseling puts a spout on the vessel and lowers the volume of what’s inside.
Process with a Guide
Talking about stuff in your vessel to a friend or family member can be super helpful, but sometimes it’s just 1) more than they know what to do with or 2) problematic because they are biased towards you or know other players involved. An inherent trait of the counseling relationship is that therapists don’t know anyone else involved and don’t have loyalty to your ole Aunt Dottie the way your sister may. Your therapist’s objective vantage point in your life is a gift.
A wise person knows what to take to their spouse, friends, and therapist.
Some things just can’t be fixed, but talking it through with a trained therapist can be a super clarifying, cathartic, and empathic experience.
Not all counseling looks the same. Therapist-guided strategies offer clarity and relief when life feels overwhelming. A licensed therapist can provide aid that a friend or family member wouldn’t know how to do.
Different types of therapy serve different needs:
- Trauma therapy helps process painful events and repair the cracks they leave behind.
- Grief therapy creates space for mourning and healing.
- Cognitive therapy works to reframe unhelpful thought patterns and beliefs.
If you notice a lot of numbing or escaping behaviors but aren’t sure what emotions you’re numbing or what situations you’re escaping from, this is a great topic for therapeutic discussion.
Final Thoughts
Life will keep filling your vessel—it’s inevitable. But by practicing self-care, embracing healthy coping strategies, and seeking help when needed, you can manage the overflow and reduce the mess. It’s not about fixing everything; it’s about creating space to breathe.
Take the first step today. Send a text, take a walk, or reach out to a therapist. Small actions can make a big difference. You are worth it.
