It’s funny how the things that once helped us—really helped us—can later start to hurt us. I used to think my drive and ambition were just part of who I was. Necessary, even. And for a while, they were. They got me through a lot. But somewhere along the way—probably without me realizing it—those same traits started to wear me down. I didn’t see it then, but what looked like perseverance was often just pride dressed up to look productive. That kind of ego can sneak in quietly and feel a lot like strength… until it doesn’t.
Now, with the gift of hindsight (and a whole lot of grace), I can see how much I needed a shift—not just in how I worked, but in how I saw success. This is my story, from ego to humility, through a Christian perspective on success that I wish I’d found sooner.
The Drive That Got Me There
Early on in my life, everything was a fight. Getting through adolescence in a dysfunctional home to finding my place on a campus of 35,000, 40+ years ago. Starting and navigating my career required an exponential boost in ego to get me through the humbling experience of competing in an A+ organization of top talent, with my 2.8 GPA and minimal work experience in another industry.
I needed all of my Enneagram 3 “need for achievement” to help me battle inferiority and my underdog status. Yet, I went after all that was available because of my sheer need for accomplishment and self-actualization. It served me well for several years.
- It kept me trying when I was told over and over, I couldn’t ever be the Controller because I didn’t have an accounting degree or a CPA.
- It kept me asking when I wanted to join the marketing team with my finance degree and zero marketing experience. My only creative claim was being the editor of my high school newspaper.
- It also helped me complete my MBA while pregnant with my first child and working full-time in this extremely competitive environment.
When Ego Crossed the Line
Then, one day, it all changed. Well, it was gradual. At some point, I started believing I deserved it, whatever the “it” of the day was. My ego turned from determination to arrogance. Why can’t I have that job? Who would try harder? Who else started on the bottom rung of the ladder? I have been patient. I proved myself. I am doing the job now, but they won’t give me the title or pay.
Until they did.
Eventually, I was made whole on each rung as I climbed. In my mind, it took too long. In hindsight, I had loving mentors protecting me from myself. They had to protect me until I came full circle again. Until fear brought with it humility.
The Wake-Up Call
One day, I realized that if I were the rising star, paid a premium, and had all eyes on me, falling off the pedestal would be long, hard, and painful. Was my unbridled ambition suddenly a detriment? An adverse impact on my career, not to mention my mental and physical health.
It wasn’t just the hours or the pressure. It was that my identity had become wrapped up in what I achieved. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was running on empty, afraid to slow down for fear of not being able to ramp back up. I wasn’t a Christian until my mid-30s, so I was comparing myself “in” the world at the time, not through a God lens.
Looking back now, I realize that was what was missing. My priorities were on money, prestige, and opportunities. I didn’t know it then, but God was always there. He just needed me to realize that my way wasn’t working, so I would turn to him.
I was working a ton of hours, and I wanted to learn and do everything, but did I want to be on the pedestal? Ultimately, I found out that by the time I actually got the next level job, I was usually about ready for it.
The fear subsides to a dull roar.
At some point up the ladder, the way to success changes again. This opportunity is bigger than what we can do on our own. This level requires true leadership, an ability to share the credit, and the willingness for our performance to be measured based on the performance of others – our team. For me, this is when God’s call on my life first began.
Christian Leadership Beyond Ego
This is when I realized that to make any kind of meaningful impact, we have to be able to go beyond ourselves. We need to be able to help others reach their full potential.
As a leader and manager, once I gave up the “look at me” perspective, I was able to see the forest through the trees. I realized that my true calling was to help others achieve their goals and ambitions and encourage them along their paths.
In Ego Is the Enemy, Ryan Holiday defines ego as: “An unhealthy belief in our own importance. Arrogance. Self-centered ambition.”
That was me when I was young. It was all about self-centered ambition. As success came my way, so did arrogance. Which, in itself, started to hinder my success.
Well, I guess that depends on how you measure success. You can keep getting promotions, or that job you begged, pleaded, and killed yourself for. But you lose yourself. You lose your health.
And the sad thing? When you get there—whatever there is for you—you realize it isn’t all you thought it would be. You truly wonder, why did you work so hard for this?
Doing Over Being
When I was 31 years old, I made it up to senior management ranks. A VP of a Division. Now, I am in all of the senior management and board meetings.
What was I thinking?? Not only were they a colossal waste of time, but they were also stressful and felt like you were living Groundhog Day, over and over again. I wanted to do the work of the job, not be the figurehead.
I learned definitively that:
• Being high up in the organization was being on the pedestal, with a long, hard fall beneath you.
• Required a lot of meetings of being and not doing.
• Kept me from being out in the field, working in the division I was now in charge of.
• It always felt like a magnifying glass was over you, threatening to burn up your newfound wings of authority.
Ryan Holiday makes a powerful distinction between being and doing in Ego Is the Enemy, and he challenges people to focus more on doing meaningful work rather than trying to be someone important.
I wish I had this book earlier. I knew it intuitively. I worked my butt off and always felt like I was doing important things. Now, as a senior manager, I was the division representative in a bunch of pointless meetings, rather than doing the work I had aspired to.
Redefining Success
We all have a choice, though. I made mine early. I chose the work. I chose the people. I decided to miss meetings (as many as I could) and was in the trenches with my small but growing team.
• I sat on construction sites and groveled to inspectors so we could open on time.
• I trained with baristas so they would know how important it was to me that every cup of coffee was the perfect cup.
• I woke up before daylight to get everything ready and be on the floor when the grand opening day doors were opened.
And I loved it.
I learned in this experience to empower and train our fantastic team. Helping others reach their full potential was more meaningful work than being a senior manager.
I learned that encouraging others is a gift for me as much as for them.
I don’t claim to have figured it all out. And I certainly haven’t conquered my need to achieve. But hopefully, I have put it in perspective. I have definitely learned that my need to achieve is better fulfilled by helping and encouraging others in their efforts to achieve.
The wonderful thing is that when you make a career out of encouraging others, the wins are sweeter and more abundant than any amount you can achieve on your own.
A Final Reflection
I haven’t finished the book Ego Is the Enemy yet. I’m only at the part in both the book and my life where ego’s grip is unmistakable.
But I wanted to share with you now, as I hope you will be inspired to keep your ego in check early on. Avoid the pitfalls. And achieve satisfaction from doing meaningful work rather than striving for a position or award that will be fleeting at best and empty at worst.
So, how about you?
Do you see the role ego is playing in your life?
Is it driving your success—or undermining it?
Are you striving to be someone important… or to do something meaningful?
Is your drive for success drawing you closer to God—or further from Him?
What would change if your definition of success came from God, not the world?
