Honest Assessment: Does the behavior match the goal?

Part 1: Marriage

After clocking over 17,000 client hours, you can imagine…I’ve heard it all. 

In my profession, I have the unique opportunity to hear people’s words and observe their behavior over time. 

We all know people who tend to say one thing and do another. Or people who say the “right thing” and then go ahead and do whatever they want. Here are two truths that can be distilled from all my hours spent with people in the therapy office: talk is cheap and real change is easy to spot.

If this is starting to sound familiar to you, maybe it’s time for some honest assessment.

Recently, I was in session with a couple and the simple thought occurred to me, “this is the behavior of someone who wants to be married.” 

It was obvious. 

The husband pursued his own individual therapy without having to be strongarmed by others. He sought out support and accountability from healthy people. He was being more than transparent about his whereabouts and finances. He was leading his family in different practices that set a new tone in the home. The wife understood what the husband was working on in therapy and he signed a release to allow his wife to speak to his therapist. 

This is the behavior of someone who wants to be married.

Humans can lose their way for a time, but when people truly want to grow, it’s easy to spot.

In the story above, the intention to stay married was observable. However, it’s not only in a crisis that the intention for a healthy marriage is on display. The behavior of a person intending to have a healthy relationship is easily seen at any time. 

Behavior reveals intention.

Here are some questions for self-reflection:

• What is your behavior saying about your intention for your relationship?
• Are you putting effort into your relationship? Into keeping it healthy and strong?
• Is your spouse always the one initiating intentional connection?
• Do you routinely have a sour attitude when you’re asked to do something by your partner?
• Do you act like the activities of marriage are a chore and you’d rather be left to do whatever you want?
• Are you bringing fresh or stale energy into your marriage? 

When things feel confusing or behavior always has to come with an explanation, people can feel murky in making a judgment about someone’s intent. But sometimes confusion is the answer.

Sometimes, needing to ask the question is enough of an answer.

Real intent for change, healing and growth is observable from across the room. If you’re in a position to be questioning like this, don’t lose the forest for the trees.

This blog isn’t for everyone. But if it’s for you, your friends are cheering and high-fiving each other that you’re reading this.

If you’re feeling confused and can’t quite think straight, come back to these clarifying questions:

• Is this the behavior of someone who wants to live a healthy life?
• Is this the behavior of someone who wants to stay married?
• Is this behavior reminding you of an adolescent who is trying to rebel against their parents?
• Is this the behavior of someone who wants to change?
• Is this the attitude of someone who wants to save the marriage? 

A lot of times, people may not want to see things clearly because of the action steps it would require, or the amount of upheaval or heartache that would result in one’s life. So they gaslight themselves into siding with a spouse’s stated goals instead of honestly assessing behavior. Don’t get caught in this trap. Be honest with yourself and YOU bring the behavior that’s in line with your values. Remember: talk is cheap and real change is easy to spot.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of “Does the Behavior Match the Goal?” On dating.