Surface-Level vs. Deep-Rooted Focus
The focus of therapy can often be what’s going on in the here and now, your day-to-day present life. Addressing this part of your life is akin to studying a tree’s trunk, branches, and leaves. This therapy focus can be beneficial, as many want a resolution for the issues currently bothering them.
Another option for therapy’s focus is closer to looking at what goes unseen: the root system that makes the tree what it is. The root system impacts your life in an order of magnitude greater than what is seen above the surface. The tree takes on a new meaning when the root system is excavated and carefully studied.
Why Your Past Matters
So much about what is true to us in our present life is impacted by the origins of our story. The nuances of your family growing up (known as your family of origin) often go unaddressed, unseen, and unexamined. Sometimes, the specifics of our family of origin get swept away and shoved out of sight in an attempt to not negatively impact our present life. And hey, I get it. It’s not fun work. (Clients tell me often, “I like YOU, but I don’t like coming to therapy.”) But nearly 20 years as a therapist have shown me that whatever has been swept under the rug will eventually find its way out, and you don’t have any say in where or when it makes its debut. That’s why intentionally examining your origin stories is supremely important!
When it comes to the story of how you’ve become who you are today, do you ever feel like a mystery to yourself? Do you understand the “how” behind the “who”?
We become the people we are through genetic makeup, learned traits from our families, and a series of life events that combine things we cause with things that happen to us outside our control.
The Role of Family Loyalty
Families: a lot can be said, both good and bad. There’s not much neutrality. Like everything else in life, families aren’t all one thing. You’ll find a little good with the bad and a little bad with the good. Sometimes, honest or objective conversations about our parents and families of origin are difficult because so much can feel at stake.
Many of us are loyal to our family’s image, whether or not the family has been loyal to us. We can also experience a sense of guilt when talking about or assessing our families due to a sense of obligation for what they’ve given us or if someone you’re talking about has passed on. As a result, we often can bypass asking some fundamental questions about the implications of our upbringing.
Therapy: A Tool for Self-Discovery
Attending therapy can be crucial for examining more closely our parents’ and siblings’ roles in shaping the person we are today.
Contrary to popular belief, the point of looking at our families of origin is not to blame them for everything wrong in our lives. (That’s what spouses are for!) Instead, we look at our family of origin to gain a more profound and more nuanced understanding, challenge misguided beliefs about why we developed into who we are today, or debunk myths about things that have happened in the past. (Though both perception and reality are relevant when understanding your story.)
Have you ever considered the specifics surrounding your birth? If you haven’t, it may be because you don’t understand why it matters.
Key Questions to Reflect On
The following is a list of questions I ask during the first few sessions with a new client. You may read some of these and struggle to see why they matter. If so, I’d happily unpack some of these with you! Most will read this list and immediately think, “Wow! I never even thought about that before!” As you review this list, I want you to consider if you understand how each question could impact someone’s life in the here and now.
When we make these connections, the power shifts back in your favor. You move from someone your story happened TO to feeling a sense of understanding and control over your story. You quit being a mystery to yourself.
Moving from Character to Author
Understanding these nuances helps you integrate events from your past into your present life in a healthy way. You get to feel like your story is something that happened to you, not the totality of who you are. Your story does not have the final say.
Additionally, understanding your story helps make events in your past the proper size. They don’t need to be maximalized or minimized. Events in your life are neither everything nor nothing. Or, to put it another way, gaining a fresh understanding of the details in your story helps you shift from feeling like a character in the story to being the author. What kind of story do you want to be?
Questions for Understanding the Story of You:
- How were you conceived (naturally, IVF, incest/rape, affair, one night stand, planned/unplanned, adopted, etc.)?
- Did your parents have a gender preference for you?
- Was your family’s and extended family’s socio-economic status noteworthy in some way?
- How many siblings did you have? What number child are you?
- Did your parents experience an infant death, stillbirth, or late-term miscarriage?
- Did your parents have a “black sheep” or “golden child”?
- Did you have a parent or sibling disabled cognitively or physically?
- Did you have a parent or sibling with mental health issues?
- Did you have a parent or sibling with a chronic or acute health condition?
- Did you have a parent or sibling threatened, attempted, or completed suicide?
- Did you have a parent or sibling with substance abuse issues?
- Were there any particularly strong characteristics of your father and/or mother?
- Was there anything noteworthy about your parent’s job or reputation in the community?
- Was a parent ever incarcerated?
- Did you have a parent who worked primarily or often out of town?
- Did another friend or family member ever live in the home with you?
- Did you share a bed or room with someone?
- How often did you move or change schools?
- Did your family have diffuse or rigid boundaries with non-family members?
- Did you experience or witness physical, verbal, or sexual abuse inside or outside of the home?
- Was your race, ethnicity, country of origin, or religion different from the majority in your community?
- Did your parents have friends?
- Did you have friends?
- Did you have a diagnosed or suspected learning disability?
- Were your parents involved in a political, cultural, or religious club that was significant to them?
For a deeper look, consider these questions:
- Did I have to earn my acceptance?
- Did anyone in my home know what it was like to be me?
- Did my parents or siblings know my friends?
- Did I generally have the sense that my parents wanted me around and loved me?
- Was anyone on my team?
Further Food for Thought
As you read over the questions above, did any surprise or shock you? Did any of them irritate you? Are there any you want to ask a parent or other family member? Take time to journal what came up in you as you sat with these questions.
Your Journey Needs a Guide
“If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together.” -Unknown
On the journey to understanding how you became who you’ve become, a trained navigator can be particularly helpful in teasing out particular points you may be inclined to gloss over. If anything feels overwhelming to you about doing work on your story and family of origin, that’s a sign to schedule a therapy session!
Where does this land with you?
You are not just the things that have happened to you but the things that have happened to you matter. It’s time to clean out from under the rug, examine the root system of you, and move from being a character in your story to being the author.
