Holding Space

Have you noticed the recent focus on “holding space” for people? You may have seen it on TikTok or other pseudo-psych resources.

If you’re like me, you might be asking yourself, “Holding space…what does that even mean?” 

It’s not a clinical term, and thus, it’s sort of open to interpretation. I do think this is a useful practice, though, and I’d like to attempt to provide some framework around this popular buzzword.

When I gave birth to our son, we had a labor doula. She was there to support my labor. She could not experience the labor for me. She spoke compassionately to me, rubbed my back, and showed my husband how to do this ninja-like hip squeeze that saved my life. Honestly, I really don’t know if I could have gotten through it without her. But when it came to the actual delivery, she was an on-looker. Only I could do the pushing, after all. 

At this point, it would be fair to say, “Hey, Allison…I thought we were talking about holding space. Why the left turn at your birthing experience?” I understand your surprise by my abrupt subject change, but this is just how my brain works. Stick with me.

How is holding space similar to being a labor doula?

It is similar to learning how to be there for others. When someone is expressing a big emotion or processing something that seems important or heavy, consider it your job to be the emotional doula. (™) New phrase. Coined by me. You’re welcome.

What are some instances when you might need to be an emotional doula? 

• Your kid is melting down over some friend drama.
• Someone receives a scary medical diagnosis.
• Someone loses a job.
• Your friend is going through a tough time in their marriage.
• Your partner’s mom dies. 
• Your coworker is just having a genuinely bad day.

What does that actually look like, you ask? Well, here are a few simple rules to help you hold space for others:

1. Don’t interrupt: your opinion, your experience, your reaction…none of that is needed here. *Being a doula is about them, not you.* (Read that last sentence again just to let it sink in!)
2. Provide support.
   • Physical: sit near the person, a hand on the shoulder, etc.
     1. Ask the person what would feel good to them or read their cues.
   • Verbal: empathic phrases sprinkled in (i.e., “take your time,” “I’m here with you,” “this is a lot,” etc.) but mostly provide patient silence.
   • Nonverbal: eye contact, a supportive expression, deep breath, etc.
3. Don’t take over their process: less is more. The journey is theirs, not yours. You’re just there for non-judgemental, non-corrective, gentle support.
4. Be present: stay as long as necessary. Don’t dip out when you start to get uncomfortable or don’t know what to do next. Being an emotional doula is all about gentle, patient nearness.

Holding space in this way effectively gives the message that the person is seen, their emotions are valid, they are not alone, and you aren’t leaving them alone in their difficulty. What a loving, respectful gift to someone in their time of need!

Now, who’s making “Emotional Doula” shirts for us??

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