Physical and emotional intimacy are both integral components of a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Emotional intimacy is what seeds the trust required to be genuinely vulnerable physically. Without vulnerability, we naturally develop inhibitions in our sexual interactions that mute the pleasure and the bonding experience.
But is it the chicken or the egg? What comes first, especially in the world today? There seems to be so much sex without intimacy, sex outside of marriage, unsatisfying sex in marriage, and too often, not enough physical intimacy to sustain a healthy marriage.
This points to the overwhelming evidence that emotional intimacy is necessary for a long-term, satisfying romantic relationship. Without it, there can be no deep trust.
Trust is an integral component of intimacy. I think this is why God planned for sex within marriage. He knew that trust, not only in our spouse but also in Him, was integral to our “becoming one.”
Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
– Genesis 2:24
Sexual intimacy is a beautiful aspect of our becoming one in marriage. It is something that we all would choose if we could and that God wants for us in marriage. Unfortunately, we don’t all start out on the right foot at the beginning of our relationship.
When Desires and Needs Are Not Met
As a Christian marriage counselor, I have seen so many couples who are not meeting each other’s needs or their own:
Joe and Cindy come to counseling because their marriage has become stale. They are living more like roommates than husband and wife. They get along great and still connect emotionally. But physical distance when they were raising young kids put a wall of complacency in their sex life. Without the physical closeness, they don’t feel whole.
Stan and Amy have an age-old issue. Stan wants an abundance of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, not so much. Amy wants friendship, affection, deep conversation, and a consistent profession of love, and without it, can’t garner interest in sex. “I know I need to love him with my body, but I really need him to give me his heart.”
Jane and Bill have new issues as they age. Jane has had pain ever since menopause was well established. Bill is tired more often, and he takes it personally when Jane expresses her discomfort.
Steve and Kim used to have a great sex life. When Kim had a one-night stand on a business trip, all trust was broken. There was no emotional connection. Now, Steve is unwilling to attach emotional intimacy to their physical intimacy. It just hurts too much.
There are so many situations that limit true sexual intimacy.
Let’s define sexual intimacy first, and then we can explore ways to enhance it, regardless of how things began or where they have led.
What is Sexual Intimacy?
Sexual intimacy can be the ultimate expression of our love, passion, trust, interest, and desire for another person. I have read various definitions of physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, and emotional intimacy online. They are mixed and matched and used interchangeably. I would say for our purposes here, let’s define them as follows:
Physical intimacy – a physical, sexual encounter without the necessity of emotional bonding or deep trust present in the relationship or during the sexual act.
Emotional intimacy – is a deep connection and trust with another person where you can be yourself, express your emotions honestly and openly with that person, and trust them to hold you safely.
Sexual intimacy – is the purest expression of the combination of physical and emotional intimacy, both being present.
Have you ever had such a physical experience with your spouse that you felt overwhelmed by emotions, and tears began to overflow? Or have you had such a mutually satisfying sexual interaction that you felt completely connected during the experience? These are examples of the beautiful intersection of physical and emotional intimacy.
Physical intimacy with a Strong Emotional Connection and Trust
When we have sex, we are exposing ourselves. We share our bodies, and we may have personal hang-ups about them. Who doesn’t want to change something? We share our physical needs and desires openly. And, when we have strong trust, letting go of our physical and emotional inhibitions allows us to experience the fireworks of complete joy and satisfaction, which is the act of physically and emotionally becoming one.
It can be amazing.
But what keeps us from this?
Why Sex Was Designed For Marriage
When we are not married, we often lack the full commitment to trust. God’s plan is for us to share ourselves only in marriage. He gave us this guidance because he knows best. We may never fully trust another person until we know they are committed to us wholly for life. The commitment to marriage is a pledge of trust.
Suppose we started life having sex without intimacy outside of marriage. Even if we were later married to that person, total trust and emotional intimacy may have been stunted. Lack of initial trust could lead to the “habit” of sex without emotional intimacy continuing even in our marriage. We never connect the two. This lack of intimacy usually results in the passion of the physical exchange fizzling over time. Then, you may be left without intimacy in your relationship at all. Lack of sexual intimacy does not bode well for til death do us part.
Alternatively, we can have significant emotional intimacy and trust but have personal hang-ups about sex, a misconception that it is sinful, even in marriage. Especially if we enjoy it. Or we may have body image issues, past broken intimacy carried into the new relationship, or just a different libido than our partner. Although emotional intimacy is essential and can bring great satisfaction to a relationship, it still is a subset of complete sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is the perfect timing and culmination of both physical and emotional bonding.
What can we do to develop both?
1. Admit to yourself that you want total sexual intimacy and that you and your partner both deserve it.
Again, we all have different hang-ups, and sex for pure closeness and joy is something many Christians think is wrong. You must work through any misconceptions you may have that sexual intimacy is anything but a God-given way to consummate our love for each other.
The entire book of Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs) is a poetic and sensual celebration of romantic love and physical desire between a bride and her groom.
2. Step out of your comfort zone and talk to your spouse about it.
Open up and step out in faith about your need for both emotional and physical intimacy and ask your spouse what they want. Exposing yourself and discussing needs is scary if you have yet to be open about what you want. But we are all human; most want to be connected and fulfilled in our relationships. Usually, if someone says they don’t, lack of intimacy is a symptom, not the problem.
3. Address the physical or emotional problem if you know there is one.
If you feel you have an issue with emotionally or physically being vulnerable, suggest getting help from a counselor or doctor to see if there are solutions to resolve the problems. For example, if something in your relationship impacts the trust between you and your spouse, work with a counselor to build back the trust as a bridge to emotional intimacy. If you are getting older and your sex drive has decreased, or physical issues are making physical intimacy difficult, see a doctor and find out if there are solutions. Ignoring the core issues will not resolve the problems. And the longer your relationship is devoid of sexual intimacy, the more difficult it is to approach.
4. Experiment with growing your intimacy in steps.
One component of true intimacy is feeling like you can be yourself with the other person. However, even in marriage, we drift apart, so jumping back in fully may be a barrier for you. Open up to your spouse in phases. An example might be your need for affection, flirting, and conversation before sex. It would help if you felt like your spouse likes you for who you are and wants to spend time with you before fully exposing your needs and desires in physical intimacy. Ask to go on a date. You may have to step out and start the flirting or share something you have been feeling lately. But you can start with dates and deeper conversations before opening yourself up to vulnerable sexual intimacy. The key is to start somewhere.
5. Provide feedback as you work on intimacy in your relationship.
It is a journey, not a destination. You may never get there if you wait until you arrive at the perfect intimate encounter destination. It is important to try things along the way and discuss what is working and what isn’t as openly as possible. Ask your spouse for their feedback, too. For one, this feedback is practicing emotional intimacy and connection. Feedback also allows you to correct course as you go so that you have a straighter and more accessible path to a healthy and fulfilling relationship for you and your spouse.
6. Take risks.
No risk, no reward is a cliché for a reason. When we take a significant risk, there is a level of adrenaline that goes with it. We have heightened emotions and physiological responses from a risk. I can promise that jumping out of a plane will heighten my emotions (fear for me, excitement for others, maybe). I know my body will also have a response. If we try to meet our sexual fantasies or one of our partners, our emotions and bodies will have heightened responses.
Again, I am not saying to start here. You take a risk, even when there is a high level of trust, and it is just a matter of going out of your comfort zone and not putting yourself in danger emotionally or physically. For many, just telling our partner about our sexual desire is a risk. That could be the added element of intimacy for you. We are all different, and there is no right or wrong.
Is Trust Enough? How to Build Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.
I recently wrote a blog about trust and intimacy. While these can exist in any relationship, sexual intimacy should be reserved for a committed long-term relationship, as it is a foundational piece required for trust, safety, and vulnerability.
I have been a marriage counselor for 20 years and married for 37 years. Trust me, we all have some issue or another. Ultimately, to indeed have a fulfilling sex life, we need to be an active participant. Can we get hurt? Unfortunately, yes. But if we never participate fully, we ensure we won’t have the intimacy we all yearn for in our romantic relationships.
Building up our walls shows that we not only do not trust our spouse, but we also don’t trust God. Sometimes, we must step out in faith and trust that God will help us, heal us, and carry us through if we get hurt. Ultimately, it will give us the strength to keep trying to have the relationship He wants for us and that we all desire.
What is one step you can take to start your journey?
If you are looking to establish a deeper connection with yourself, your partner, the Lord, and others, explore our website and social media, or contact us today for Christian, marriage, and life counseling.
