I hear words or noise, but I’m no longer processing their meaning.
All I can focus on is the feelings rushing through my body. My heart is racing, the rhythm of it pounding louder and louder in my head. Heat builds in my chest, rising to my face. Flushed and tense—I am enraged.
No one is screaming at me. I’m not in a hospital where staff is ignoring my sick child. I haven’t been fired or asked for a divorce.
So how in the world can I go from zero to sixty in anger in less than a minute?
And why do I even feel this way over things like:
- Someone saying something I find insulting
- Drivers acting like idiots and getting in my way
- Employees being apathetic but still cashing their paycheck
Or any number of relatively benign occurrences?
I’ve always heard that anger is a symptom, not the core problem. But if that’s true, then what exactly is the core problem?
Why Am I So Angry?
This is the question I wrestle with. Because barely contained anger isn’t healthy. And I say “contained” because, thankfully, I don’t unleash the full venom of my rage—at least most of the time.
But what if anger is my way of avoiding something else? Am I choosing anger over anxiety? Or is my thinly veiled anxiety fueling my anger?
Could the root of it be something as simple as a lack of control? If I really analyze these situations, I notice my anger flares when I feel powerless—when I can’t influence or change something. At least that is what I feel in the moment.
And if it is about control, does that mean my faith is slipping?
I surrendered the control, I never really had, to God a long time ago. Or at least, I thought I did. So, am I trying to take it back? And if I truly believe that God is in control, yet I’m still enraged over my circumstances… is my anger actually misplaced? Am I, deep down, mad at God?
I could keep analyzing this forever, but it’s circular.
I am not sure I have put my finger on where the unraveling thread begins, but I recognize the fabric coming apart. This is always the first step; admitting there is a problem.
Do You Recognize That You Are Quick to Anger?
For me, the signs are clear.
- The Physical Reaction – Just like I described earlier, I can feel the anger before I can name it. My heart pounds, heat rises, tension builds.
- The Words That Escape – My filter doesn’t just leak—it sprays like a pressure washer. The filter never had a chance to catch that which is sure to create regret.
- The Moment of Realization – I’d love to say I immediately recognize when I’m overreacting, but that hasn’t always been the case. Thankfully, with age, I’ve gotten better at catching myself. When I do, I stop and ask: Is this actually about what just happened, or is something else fueling my reaction?
And sometimes, I catch it in time to reinforce the filter. But not always.
The Regret Crossroads
Once the regret sets in, I have choices.
- Do I try to understand where the anger came from and address the root issue?
- Do I ignore it and justify my reaction?
- Do I take responsibility and attempt damage control?
How to Regain Control of Anger
This part is so incredibly hard.
Why?
Because although you may be righteous in your reason for being mad, it is all in you how you handle it. My response is in my control.
So, I can’t blame anyone else. Sorry, this goes for you too.
Here’s the process I go through when I realize my anger has taken control:
1. Identify the Core Issue
As stated above, I do take the time to try and figure out what I am really angry about. Is there a core issue fueling my emotions? And yes, if you read my blogs, you know my tool to do this is journaling to God. You can’t hide from Him, so there is no point beating around the bush. You can just jump right into the processing.
I will say that by writing to God, it gives me a God view of my actions and words. My God lens reveals when I am behaving badly or lacking logic in my thinking about the issue to begin with. I usually can identify what is really causing my feelings.
2. Evaluate My Response
As mentioned, sometimes I do catch it before the rage explodes and creates collateral damage across a variety of relationships. Sometimes, not. If I used words or emotions as weapons, I need to acknowledge and admit it to myself.
3. Create a Plan
This isn’t usually complicated. It might be as simple as apologizing or having an honest conversation. Sometimes, it means asking Jesus for forgiveness—because honestly, unchecked rage requires repentance.
4. Change My Perspective
If we are truly honest, on some level we believe if the rest of the world would quit harming us, we wouldn’t respond this way. We are being trained to freak out on people, because the world is full of crazy.
This is not a legitimate excuse. Reminder, we are responsible for ourselves.
We are.
The best way for me to change my paradigm is to acknowledge this truism and then get to work taking responsibility for me.
5. Change My Habits
Managing anger isn’t just about reacting better—it’s about getting ahead of it. For me, that means:
- Journaling regularly to process emotions before they fester and to see core issues developing.
- Getting good sleep—because my emotional control is vastly different on seven hours versus five.
- Having a plan for physiological triggers—when I feel the anger rise, I might remove myself from the situation, take deep breaths, or talk to a trusted friend.
- Proactively addressing root issues rather than waiting until they explode.
Final Thoughts on How to Gain Control Over Your Anger
I know all this practical advice doesn’t sound like it is coming from someone with a hyperactive temper, but it is. And admitting it and trying to get ahead of it, has certainly improved my relationships and my mental health.
If you see yourself in this, or if a loved one has pointed it out a time or ten, it’s okay to need help to gain control over your anger. At Crossroads, we understand because we’ve been there. And we can help you process your anger and put healthier responses in place.
